Lol!

I just needed to share this! Damn, this is good!

(And yes, I could watch that for hours! :D *sips her coffee*)

A Place to Hide

Could I sit alone and ask about my future?

When you replied I'd just turn away

I've been searching through my books to try and find some truth

Perhaps disguise is a mysterious way?

And if I made a promise

Could I stay by your side?

Would you guarantee my safety

And say that I'd be alright?

But if judgement day had started tonight

At least I'd know I was right

And I'd be laughing at the end of the world

Take my hand tonight I think we'll be alright, girl

And I can see it on the TV

There's an air attack

People on the mountains

Screaming I'll be back

And I'm banging on your door

So come on and let me in

I need a place to hide

I need a place to hide before the storm begins

If I told you all the times when I'd done wrong

Could you bathe my soul and wash it all away?

I can't forgive the things that I can still remember

So I think, my friend, these sins are here to stay

And I could make a promise

With a tear in my eye

And all the hope in my heart

But all the doubt in my mind

And if judgement day had started tonight

At least I'd know I was right

And I'd be laughing at the end of the world

But take my hand tonight I think we'll be alright, girl

And I can see it on the TV

There's an air attack

People on the mountains

Screaming I'll be back

And I'm banging on your door

So come on and let me in

Need a place to hide

I need a place to hide before the storm begins

Before the storm begins

Before the storm begins

Before the storm begins

I need a place to hide before the storm begins

Sunday in Suburbia?

Hello world,

just quickly wanted to say Hello. Had a pretty awesome day. It started off lazy, then took up some pace (or, rather, my heartbeat took up some pace), and then it was lazy again.
I got to talk to AD at midday - that was great. Especially since He played with me. And pushed me. Quite much. But I still did as I was told, and I pleased Him. It's such a great feeling to know He's happy with me. I can't quite put it into words <3
I am also glad that I had the courage today to tell Him when it was getting to a point I wasn't completely sure I'd be comfortable with. It was something I had told Him I wanted to try - so He knew it was something I wanted. But just before He made me do it today, I got scared, and I asked if we could put it off till I could hear his voice and really feel his presence instead of just texting and knowing He's watching me. He agreed - and now I am looking forward to trying it some other day when we're actually talking and I can hear Him. - He said He was pleased that I asked, too. I am all sunshine in that regard and I can't stop smiling :)

Actually, the funniest part of blogging is browsing through all these awesome GIFs and choosing from them. Hihi.

So ... after pleasing AD (*smiles*) I went to my father's. We were having a barbecue - God, I ate sooooooo much. I try not to think of it. But damn, it was much! I'm tempted to not eat tomorrow ... But. I will be a good girl and I'll eat. It'll probably just be something light, like watermelon and apples, maybe a cup of milk, or some banana milk - but I will eat. That'll really be a struggle.

What was not so great about my day ... was my father. And his comments. I feel like he constantly needs to put me down, to make me small, to lessen my value. I don't remember the context, but he was like "condition? Her?" - yeah, thanks, Dad. As if I wasn't struggling enough. I know I'm not athletic. But tell you what - you're not either! So fuck off!

But, funny, it got better! He was criticizing the way I trained my dog. Findus needs to learn to stay at home alone - and I talked to a lot of dog coaches, and they all advised me to get a crate, lock him up, and train him like that. So that's what I am doing. It's also important that I try to cut myself loose and not be too close to him, that he doesn't cuddle with me at night and that I don't give him my attention all of the time. So that's what I'm doing, too. When I walk him, my attention is all his - but at home, I ignore him. My Dad doesn't know shit about training dogs. But he still felt like he needed to say something. So he said how mean it was to deprive Findus of love. And that this shouldn't be something one does, that love should be given at any time. And that he did not have had many ground rules in raising us, but that love deprivation was never a method he used. And I really had to swallow my shock and my coughs. You can't deprive a fucking shit that's not fucking there! God, that makes me mad! He did not give me the feeling of being loved at all. It was a constant competition, earn his attention, earn his approval - and get his disapproval most of the time. I can remember ONE SINGLE hug in my entire childhood - and that was only because I threw myself into his fucking arms when I was crying. 

Actually, the only time I heard him say that he was proud of me was a couple of months ago - at the age of 22. When I got my new job. It was the one and only time that he actually said "I am proud of you", that I felt accepted and like something of value. I nearly dropped my phone in shock back then. What I heard constantly was how I wasn't good enough, how I was worth nothing. My favorite line of my childhood? The one that'll always be stuck in my head, that I'll always have to fight. "You're worth less than a roach." If you wanna screw up your children, tell them that at the age of 12. Believe me, they'll never overcome it, it'll always be with them, deep down at the bottom of their heart they'll always know "you're worth less than a roach". Lovely, huh?

But. I will not concentrate on that. I will not let this drag me down. I will live my life and be happy and make the upmost of it. I will look at these penguins and smile.

Hihi.
Apart from these comments which I tried very hard to ignore - was it a lazy Sunday. It was freaking hot, so I lay in my brother's hammock and enjoyed the afternoon. And evening. Until the sun set. And I had to walk home through the pitchblack forest. It was fun, though. And I can't think of anything more relaxing and ...  positive than lying in that hammock, feeling the sun, a fresh breeze, look up at the blue sky, listen to some music ... God. That was awesome. I'm tempted to go there again <3

So. I had a really good weekend. - How about you?

xoxo

Kiwi

The ball is in my hand

Hello world,

when I told AD about my plans for the weekend, I said it'd either be an awesome or an awful one. Turns out it's the former :)

I slept in today, then went to my father's and picked up my brother's basketball. I haven't been playing for the last 6 years - and I've been eager to hold a ball in my hands again. Why did I quit? Well. On the one hand, I wasn't very good at it. But it was still fun. (And I am planning on engaging in a team again as soon as my dog, Findus, can stay alone long enough.) The last time I held a ball in my hands ... was when I met my ex at the court and we wanted to play some - and he broke up with me out of the thin air. I still remember what shirt I was wearing. Funny, isn't it? Usually, my memory is far from flawless, and I most likely already forgot what I did two weeks ago - but that memory is still very vivid. I broke down in the park, I got lost, I ended up on my friend's porch, crying. Not the same porch, but the same friend whose apartment I now rented. Life can be funny sometimes.

I'm glad that my body still remembers some of the movements. And it was such a liberating feeling to feel the sweat running down my face (well, unless it ran into my eyes, but oh well), to feel my body move. 

On the court, I had to think back to the conversation I had with AD, and to a Facebook post of a 'friend' of mine. She's one of my acquaintances from ED time, and I think she's one of like three that I have on Facebook. She's recovering, and her post said something about how life will be what we allow it to be, and that we are the only ones standing in our way. And that made me think back to the conversation with AD - and it's up to me if my weekend is awesome or not.

My plans for tomorrow? Well, I actually wanted to go to the park and read a good book in the grass. But my father kinda changed that. So I may go for a run in the morning - depending on how late I turn in tonight, and then study a bit - there's a short term paper I have to hand in on Tuesday and I finally have to get started on it, and then my father invited me to come over for a little barbecue. So that's gonna be fun. I hope. If my father behaves. We'll see ;-)

I feel kinda torn these days. Caught in between two worlds, or two languages rather. My every day life is in German - but everything apart from that is English. I blog in English, I currently read an English book (Game of Thrones), I chat to AD in English and spend a lot of time in an English chatroom or on the English site Fetlife. And I recently registered for Netflix which gives me the opportunity to watch a lot of stuff in English <3 

One of these movies is Dirty Dancing. I have watched this movie about a hundred times in German, I know every freaking line, I grew up with it. 

One of my favorite lines: "I carried a watermelon." - I will have this on my wall if I end up staying in this apartment. 

What's funny about finally watching movies in English that you only know in German, is to see how the movie has been changed and interpreted by synchronizing it. For example, Johnny is a completely different character in German. His voice is soft, he speaks perfect German - it's almost cheesy. In English, Swayze's voice is rougher, he drops the third-person-'s' and is in general more the badass that he's supposed to be. That's refreshing.

But the most striking is what they did to this famous line.

It's a great line, isn't it? So full of meaning while simultaneously - well, she's literally sitting in a corner. In German, he says something like "Baby belongs to me, is that clear?" - Very possessive, but also a very different meaning. If you imagine the movie to go on - well, the English version leaves room for interpretation. It's possible that they make it, that Baby and Johnny make it through, that they are a couple. Though I do not like that version. I favor the one where she develops, where she is more confident, more female, where she grows up - and becomes this person that is no longer put in a corner, independent from Johnny. - But, well, I may get carried away here. Anyway, in German there's just one interpretation. I mean, she still develops, but the focus of the movie is on their relationship, not on her development.

Whatever, I'll stop now. I need to finish doing the dishes anyway.

Have a great time! Remember: The ball is in your corner - or, more accurately in my case, it was in my hand. It's up to me what my future will be like. And the same goes for you. Whoever reads this: It's up to you.

xoxo

Kiwi

Who's that special Someone?

Hello world,

I've mentioned Him briefly, I've talked to Him now; I didn't feel like it was okay to blog about Him without His consent, and He's given it. So now I'm happy to introduce that very special person: AD.

What can I say? This is even trickier than introducing myself. Let's start simple: He is my Dom - online Dom, that is. Partly because He lives in freaking Australia (not that I'd mind a move - Australia is a pretty cool country, after all :D), but mostly because He's married. I am not gonna go into detail, I've had enough hours spent on bad conscience and guilt and feeling like 'the other woman', so I'm just stopping right here, right there. I needed to say it once, it's said, it won't change and I'm going to focus on something else.

Namely on what an amazing person He is. We got to know in a chatroom (#sub/Dom) and it was just some casual, light-hearted chat. I was very new to D/s, I didn't know a thing, I was still with my ex-boyfriend and I wanted to find out if there was a way to turn him into a Dominant. Long story short: There isn't. So AD and I started texting without some second thoughts or something; He was fun, He was genuine, He was supportive, and He described all sorts of scenarios for me and kept asking, almost to the point of annoyance, how I felt about this or that being done with or to me - and that taught me a great deal about myself. About who I am and what kind of sub I am. 

But it was more than that - He got me. Up to the point where now, round about 2 months after chatting for the first time, when I write "fine" He can tell if it's the "I'm really fine", the "I think I'm okay", the "passive aggressive fine" or the "no I'm not, but I don't wanna tell fine" is. It's almost scary. Another thing that scares me is the complete openness He demands from me (and that He shares with me in return, just for the record. Well, after a tiny 'somewhat of a confession' *winks at Him*). Once He notices there's something on my mind, He makes me tell Him. He doesn't do so recklessly or thoughtlessly, though. After I told Him something I was really uncomfortable with, He said, among other things, that He had weighed my discomfort against his wish to know and had decided that He really wanted to know anyway and that this was more important than me being highly uncomfortable with telling. - This may sound weird, given it's out of context, but ... that was like the biggest comfort He could've given me. And whatever it is that I tell him, His reaction takes me always off guard. For example, a couple of days ago, when I had not been good around food and had forced myself to inform Him that I had not been eating the past two days, I was prepared for His anger. I was prepared for a stern talk, for a "you're going to report everything that you eat to me, do you understand?" or a "get up now, go to your kitchen - what food do you have?" and a "eat up!" - I was not prepared for support, understanding, affection, worry. I was not prepared for the "what can I do that makes it easier for you?" that came. Neither for anything else that followed. 

I don't know why He picked me. Why He risks his marriage for stupid little me. Why He wastes so much time on me, so much thought. I just know that I am forever grateful that He does. He keeps telling me I deserve better, that I deserve a full-time Dom, someone who can offer me as much as I, well, deserve. But I don't think I deserve as much as I get from Him. Of course, I'd be lying if I told you I wouldn't wish it to be more, wouldn't wish to actually feel his arms around me, to actually be with Him. It hurts. But I'm grateful for what I've got.

I try to go on with my life. I try to meet new people - but there's a part of me doubting that someone can just walk along and get me the same way He does. It's weird, isn't it?

But He makes me laugh. He makes me feel things that I've never felt before - D/s-wise, mostly. I discover a lot lately. I remember two months ago when I was asked if I liked the idea of having someone hold me like that, lock me in place, hold my throat - if it aroused me. And I said it didn't. I thought it was weird. - That's changed. To the point where I'm very careful now to say "I'm not into that" - because maybe I just don't trust enough yet or haven't had the right experiences to be ready for it. The thought of locking me in place like that ... well. I do trust Him.

I will bite my tongue now and stop. I said enough already ;-)

xoxo

Kiwi

Something about me

Hello world,

I really suck at this. Introducing myself. I'm more of a "hey, this is me, get to know me" kind of person. But I guess some basic information would be sort of nice, wouldn't they?

I am German, I live in Cologne. I am highly passionate when it comes to my hometown - I guess it's something that's handed out with the birth certificate around here. I am currently 22 years old. I study German and English linguistics and literature in my 6th semester - and that's something else I am very passionate about. I just love language. Or, as I like to put it, I'm a Wordie. I have a cute, little, very spoiled dog who eats up all my time because apparently I don't feed him properly. I love music, rock mostly. A certain Someone recently said that I was very girly and female - and I guess the blog layout I picked kinda supports that. However, I don't like to be underestimated. I'll kick your ass if need be. I am also a smartass and can be an intellectual snob sometimes. I - and now I am torn between past and present tense - used to have an Eating Disorder, and I'm just mentioning this for the purpose of having it said once. I am ... currently growing into the woman that I'm going to be, experiencing and exploring who I really am. Part of this process is discovering that I am submissive, and I am currently learning a lot about that. Along the way I broke up with my boyfriend that I've been with for the past 6.5 years. Now I feel like I'm free and can actually really find out what I am into (not only sexually). I am forever grateful that I have Someone by my side who guides me, who supports me and who helps me on that journey.

So much for a very short introduction. If you have any questions, feel free to ask and I'll love to answer.

xoxo

Kiwi

One last glance back

It's unusual to start a new blog with making reference to an old one - but I'll make an excuse here. I'll jump right into it.

The final post on my old blog goes like this:

"Against my better judgement ...

... am I posting here right now. Hello everyone. I hope you're well.

I have been gone for the last years - I have been getting better. On my own. I finally got my shit together, and I am currently learning a lot about myself.

Part of that process was me breaking up with my long-term boyfriend. I am single now - and that comes with a lot of pressure. It triggered my ED. It was back. I am currently fighting it again. But I'm not alone. I have someone by my side who is endlessly supportive. Who reads me, gets me. Who's there for me. Who demands me to be 100% open with Him - and guess what, I am. I don't know if one single person has ever known so much about me in my entire life. There are a lot of people out there who know this and that. One knows about my feelings. The other about my ED. Another about my academic whatsoever. - But not all of this knowledge in one person. I've never trusted someone so much in my entire life - not even my ex boyfriend, weird enough.

He knows it all. And He will make me delete this account. So that I'll never look back. I guess I need this post for some kind of closure. I'd like to say Goodbye to you guys. You've helped me on my way to become the person I am now, and I hope you're doing OK. I've read a couple of your blogs, only briefly, before He made me stop. Nasimiyu, if you read this, know that I'm forever happy for you that you're engaged! I wish you all the luck in the world with your marriage! And the dress you have picked is one of the most beautiful wedding dresses I've ever seen!

I won't mention all of you now. I won't get into this any deeper. I won't talk about food or weight or numbers on a scale that don't say shit. Tell you what - today I danced nude. And I didn't mind. I enjoyed the moment. We all should have more of this feeling. I'm trying. One thing I've definitely learned in the past couple of weeks is that, even though you may think your ED is gone for good, it's not. It's always there, this ugly voice in the back of your mind. This voice that yells tiny, worthless piece of shit in your face. This ED is nothing to just 'overcome'. I'll have to accept that it'll always be a part of my mind, and that it sometimes will be more and sometimes less present. I'll have to learn that it doesn't determine who I am. As He said: concentrate on the victories. Not on the failure.

In the end, I'll be succeeding. I know that. There's just no other option. I've read my blog posts - I don't want to become that person again. Ever. I rather want to be more like the girl who danced nude in the kitchen today, cooking. Tuna-pasta salad for dinner. Fuck the carbs. Enjoy life =)

So: Kiwi on her way to the good life, that's this blog's title. Guess I'm finally on my way. No. Tell you what. I'm already there. Life starts now - it doesn't start once I've reached a freaking number. It's started long ago and I'll approach it. Now. :-)"

Three Days Grace - Life Stars Now - MyVideo

I am moving on. Once and for all. I've stopped trying to wake up one day, a new person. One who's not carrying a shitload of weight on her shoulders, who's not had tough times and flaws. That's not gonna happen. But tell you what - I don't care anymore. The past is not my flaw anymore, it's what's gotten me here.

So. I changed the title of my blog. It's not "Kiwi on her Way to the Good Life" - it's "Kiwi and the Good Life". Because I'm already there, and it'll be what I'll make of it.