Le sigh

Hey world,

Life is an up and down these days. I'm just on the train, yet I made up my mind about something right now.
I do have a play partner now, C, and he's amazing. He knows what to say when and gives me the security I need. Yet it's not enough.
I gained so much weight since AD left and I can't seem to get a hold of myself. The more insecure I get, the more I turn to food. But it's more than that. I eat to punish myself for pretty much everything. Forced eating - ha ha. It's the other ugly side of my ED, the one you can't explain to anyone because it's just too sick.
I truly despise myself when I look in the mirror.
That's gotta change.
Reasonably, objectively, I know this is the worst decision ever, not healthy and it won't help me in the long run. But: I can't gain any more weight. So I'm gonna throw myself into the arms of my ED and starve myself. It's the only way I know right now how to cope and stop hating myself every single day.

I'm sorry.

This and that

Hello world,

so let's see what I have to cover in this post, so that I won't forget.

(1) My fallout with B.

(2) KinkyBeats and PPP.
(3) Food and playing.

(4) Clothes and food and shit.

I think that's about as close to an outline as it's gonna get. This is going to be one hell of a blog entry!

I removed the link to this blog from my FetLife. I got uncomfortable having strangers that I meet at munches read my most inner thoughts. When I put that link there, I never intended to get in touch with the local kink scene the way it's happening right now. To be honest, I never thought I'd ever get in touch with the scene as much as I do now. After all, I'm more of the shy type. But having made some friends (yes, M, that includes you - time to freak out that I mentioned you again :D) really helped. And it's just so much fun!

Another reason for me deleting that link from FL is that this blog was never intended to be read, really. Of course I feel unspeakably happy when I see comments by Sam or Nasimiyu (I can't believe you stuck around, and gosh, there are no words for how I felt when hearing from you!), but it's never been about that. The main reason has always been that I have a place to vent and whine, to make up my mind, reflect on things and thoughts and happenings. And because I like the layout :D

I don't remember exactly how B got to know about the blog, I somehow dropped a comment. I think it was because of that post where I mentioned him the other day. Anyways, my outline gives away: (1) My fallout with B. He asked me wether he could get the link and read it, and I told him exactly what I just said above: that he could, but it was never meant to be read. He asked why I didn't keep a diary instead. (Because I do not like diaries, because I love to integrate lyrics and whatnot here and have more options than I have with a diary, that's why. And because I've always been blogging one way or the other.) I thought back to what I had said the other day, how I couldn't go to B for help anymore because he wanted me to get professional help (which he, luckily, hasn't mentioned again ever since). And I started to worry about how he might react reading that. So I messaged him: "But please don't ever be mad at me for anything I write on there, okay?", being seriously concerned. His message back: "Okay, then let's see how much you vented and what bad things you said about me XD"

We got into a fight then. Because I told him that he was being insensitive. He tends to drop comments without thinking about them, without considering that they might hurt. And I was seriously worried he might be mad at me for talking my mind here. He told me I was being too touchy and that sometimes a dumb comment was just that: a dumb comment. Which I understand, he didn't intend to hurt me. Yet it doesn't change the fact that he's being insensitive dropping comments like that when someone voices a serious concern. When someone's deadly afraid of flying, you don't sit next to them on a plane joking about crashes. And from a friend who knows me and *should* know how hard it was for me to voice that concern, I expect some more sensibility. Just like I can't handle weight or food jokes from persons who know about my eating disorder. When I'm in a group of people who don't know about it and then someone drops a comment jokingly (like, move your fat ass out of the way or something along those lines - friendly banter), it hurts me but I swallow it and smile and pretend it didn't hurt me the way it did. Pretend I didn't have to tell myself that it was just a joke, one that the person would've made with anyone, no matter how skinny. But when someone from the inner circle says something like that, it hurts me all the more. Not because I think it's any more true then, not necessarily. But because that friend should know how it makes me feel - because I opened up and told them. There are times when I can shrug those comments off more easily than at other times, and right now I feel like that thick layer of protection skin is gone and at any scratch, I'm lying there raw open. Which B knew about. He knew I was on the edge, and yet he didn't care enough to think before dropping that comment. - Oh, and then he compared me to his ex. Which is about the worst you can do to a person, I think. So ... it feels like I lost a friend. At least momentarily. Something keeps me from messaging him - because I'd need help and I already struggle asking him for help or telling him how I'm feeling when we're at good terms. But now that we're not ... And I just don't know about the shopping trip we planned.

Here, (1) and (2) blend together nicely. I need an outfit for the Kinky Beats. Though right now I am actually at the point where I don't want to go anymore. But maybe I'll overcome that eventually, and then I need an outfit. I asked M to come with me, because she'd know how I feel trying on clothes that show more than they hide. I think I would've been comfortable with a corset. I like corsages, and a corset with a skirt would've worked for me. But she's traveling to London at the end of the week (lucky girl! I would've loved to go there in March, too, and then we could've gone to LAM together. But I didn't get any days off this month, so I'm probably going to go in May) and the one day we planned to go I was not feeling comfortable in my skin at all, so I better cancelled before I felt any more miserable in the changing room than I would've felt like already. I don't really want to go to look for an outfit alone, though, but I also didn't feel like taking one of my other friends with me because then I'd have to pretend and keep up the smile and I'd feel as horrific as I felt the other day with the latex dress. So I asked B if he could come and be there for me. And he agreed to travel all the way here just to help me out. Which I felt bad for already. But he once told me he was going to be there for me when I needed him, and I did need him. That was before our fallout, though. So I don't know if he's still planning on doing that, or if it's still on his mind, even. He may very well have forgotten all about it.

Moving on. Today I received the email - the tickets for the Private Play Party (PPP) can be purchased now! That's a party I am really looking forward to. It's a private event for kinky people aged 18 to 35 in a BDSM location. The furniture looks promising, I'm actually really curious about the cages! There's said to be real tasty food and non-alcoholic cocktails, and it's organized by one of the munches I attend, so I'll know quite some folks. Ready, M, for another paragraph you're mentioned in? Here you go! :D Because M told me about how great it was and she'll be going, too, along with other friends. I asked C if he wanted to come, and he told me he'd check until tonight if he was free that day. Not that I want to go with him as some sort of date-ish whatever, but it'd still be nice to have someone I can play with by my side :D Though I'd also be fine with "just" watching, seeing the location for the first time, talking and having a fun time.

(3) is closely linked to C. We joked around and somehow ended up talking about olives. Told him I didn't like them at all, which he teasingly commented with "Well, then I know what to do for punishment. Others go for a golden shower, I feed you olives." And while I appreciate the no golden shower policy (NOT my kink! :D), I told him that food was off the table. When being asked why, I told him one of the reasons: that I seriously didn't think one should play with food. Too much food goes to waste in Germany and other industrialized countries, and elsewhere people starve to death. How many animals die to end up as waste? That didn't give away, though, that it'd make me completely uncomfortable to not be able to decide or know when I'll eat what or how much. And then ... he asked about pet play. Treats are such a common thing. And I'd love to get some treats like chocolate ... but I also know that in the situation I'd panic. And that'd destroy the kitten headspace, I'd be all ED'ed again. I didn't know what to tell him - and luckily managed to postpone that discussion, saying I had to sleep over that decision. Luckily, he then said that he wasn't planning on a pet play session all too soon, so I got time to figure that out. Or let him in on the secret.
I'm not quite ready to tell him about my ED yet, though. He's nice enough, seems trustworthy - after all, I submit to him during sessions. But once people know, they watch me. They treat me differently. And the circle of those knowing is small. I'm not ready to let him in there just yet. Which makes me uncomfortable. Because I do submit, and he can't make the best decision based on an incomplete knowledge. He doesn't know what it feels like for me to be on display, how much I despise my body, how I constantly battle that voice that's telling me I'm not good enough. I feel bad for keeping that secret from him because at some point he may screw up and we'll suffer and it won't be his fault because he just couldn't have known.

So I am going to tell him. Soon-ish. Within the next couple of weeks. After we've played a few times and I know it's not a short time thing, once I know that we harmonize during play.

Which leaves me with one last topic to cover: (4) clothes and food and stuff. I'm going to keep this really brief because I feel bad enough about it and yet not bad enough to change it. I'm back to buying clothes one size smaller to motivate me. And to expecting inhumanely things from me. To plan calorie intakes below 1000 and fasts. I drink lots of black coffee ... because it's a natural laxative. *shrugs* It's the way it is. And I'm gonna tackle that another day.

xoxo

Kiwi