Le sigh

Hey world,

Life is an up and down these days. I'm just on the train, yet I made up my mind about something right now.
I do have a play partner now, C, and he's amazing. He knows what to say when and gives me the security I need. Yet it's not enough.
I gained so much weight since AD left and I can't seem to get a hold of myself. The more insecure I get, the more I turn to food. But it's more than that. I eat to punish myself for pretty much everything. Forced eating - ha ha. It's the other ugly side of my ED, the one you can't explain to anyone because it's just too sick.
I truly despise myself when I look in the mirror.
That's gotta change.
Reasonably, objectively, I know this is the worst decision ever, not healthy and it won't help me in the long run. But: I can't gain any more weight. So I'm gonna throw myself into the arms of my ED and starve myself. It's the only way I know right now how to cope and stop hating myself every single day.

I'm sorry.

This and that

Hello world,

so let's see what I have to cover in this post, so that I won't forget.

(1) My fallout with B.

(2) KinkyBeats and PPP.
(3) Food and playing.

(4) Clothes and food and shit.

I think that's about as close to an outline as it's gonna get. This is going to be one hell of a blog entry!

I removed the link to this blog from my FetLife. I got uncomfortable having strangers that I meet at munches read my most inner thoughts. When I put that link there, I never intended to get in touch with the local kink scene the way it's happening right now. To be honest, I never thought I'd ever get in touch with the scene as much as I do now. After all, I'm more of the shy type. But having made some friends (yes, M, that includes you - time to freak out that I mentioned you again :D) really helped. And it's just so much fun!

Another reason for me deleting that link from FL is that this blog was never intended to be read, really. Of course I feel unspeakably happy when I see comments by Sam or Nasimiyu (I can't believe you stuck around, and gosh, there are no words for how I felt when hearing from you!), but it's never been about that. The main reason has always been that I have a place to vent and whine, to make up my mind, reflect on things and thoughts and happenings. And because I like the layout :D

I don't remember exactly how B got to know about the blog, I somehow dropped a comment. I think it was because of that post where I mentioned him the other day. Anyways, my outline gives away: (1) My fallout with B. He asked me wether he could get the link and read it, and I told him exactly what I just said above: that he could, but it was never meant to be read. He asked why I didn't keep a diary instead. (Because I do not like diaries, because I love to integrate lyrics and whatnot here and have more options than I have with a diary, that's why. And because I've always been blogging one way or the other.) I thought back to what I had said the other day, how I couldn't go to B for help anymore because he wanted me to get professional help (which he, luckily, hasn't mentioned again ever since). And I started to worry about how he might react reading that. So I messaged him: "But please don't ever be mad at me for anything I write on there, okay?", being seriously concerned. His message back: "Okay, then let's see how much you vented and what bad things you said about me XD"

We got into a fight then. Because I told him that he was being insensitive. He tends to drop comments without thinking about them, without considering that they might hurt. And I was seriously worried he might be mad at me for talking my mind here. He told me I was being too touchy and that sometimes a dumb comment was just that: a dumb comment. Which I understand, he didn't intend to hurt me. Yet it doesn't change the fact that he's being insensitive dropping comments like that when someone voices a serious concern. When someone's deadly afraid of flying, you don't sit next to them on a plane joking about crashes. And from a friend who knows me and *should* know how hard it was for me to voice that concern, I expect some more sensibility. Just like I can't handle weight or food jokes from persons who know about my eating disorder. When I'm in a group of people who don't know about it and then someone drops a comment jokingly (like, move your fat ass out of the way or something along those lines - friendly banter), it hurts me but I swallow it and smile and pretend it didn't hurt me the way it did. Pretend I didn't have to tell myself that it was just a joke, one that the person would've made with anyone, no matter how skinny. But when someone from the inner circle says something like that, it hurts me all the more. Not because I think it's any more true then, not necessarily. But because that friend should know how it makes me feel - because I opened up and told them. There are times when I can shrug those comments off more easily than at other times, and right now I feel like that thick layer of protection skin is gone and at any scratch, I'm lying there raw open. Which B knew about. He knew I was on the edge, and yet he didn't care enough to think before dropping that comment. - Oh, and then he compared me to his ex. Which is about the worst you can do to a person, I think. So ... it feels like I lost a friend. At least momentarily. Something keeps me from messaging him - because I'd need help and I already struggle asking him for help or telling him how I'm feeling when we're at good terms. But now that we're not ... And I just don't know about the shopping trip we planned.

Here, (1) and (2) blend together nicely. I need an outfit for the Kinky Beats. Though right now I am actually at the point where I don't want to go anymore. But maybe I'll overcome that eventually, and then I need an outfit. I asked M to come with me, because she'd know how I feel trying on clothes that show more than they hide. I think I would've been comfortable with a corset. I like corsages, and a corset with a skirt would've worked for me. But she's traveling to London at the end of the week (lucky girl! I would've loved to go there in March, too, and then we could've gone to LAM together. But I didn't get any days off this month, so I'm probably going to go in May) and the one day we planned to go I was not feeling comfortable in my skin at all, so I better cancelled before I felt any more miserable in the changing room than I would've felt like already. I don't really want to go to look for an outfit alone, though, but I also didn't feel like taking one of my other friends with me because then I'd have to pretend and keep up the smile and I'd feel as horrific as I felt the other day with the latex dress. So I asked B if he could come and be there for me. And he agreed to travel all the way here just to help me out. Which I felt bad for already. But he once told me he was going to be there for me when I needed him, and I did need him. That was before our fallout, though. So I don't know if he's still planning on doing that, or if it's still on his mind, even. He may very well have forgotten all about it.

Moving on. Today I received the email - the tickets for the Private Play Party (PPP) can be purchased now! That's a party I am really looking forward to. It's a private event for kinky people aged 18 to 35 in a BDSM location. The furniture looks promising, I'm actually really curious about the cages! There's said to be real tasty food and non-alcoholic cocktails, and it's organized by one of the munches I attend, so I'll know quite some folks. Ready, M, for another paragraph you're mentioned in? Here you go! :D Because M told me about how great it was and she'll be going, too, along with other friends. I asked C if he wanted to come, and he told me he'd check until tonight if he was free that day. Not that I want to go with him as some sort of date-ish whatever, but it'd still be nice to have someone I can play with by my side :D Though I'd also be fine with "just" watching, seeing the location for the first time, talking and having a fun time.

(3) is closely linked to C. We joked around and somehow ended up talking about olives. Told him I didn't like them at all, which he teasingly commented with "Well, then I know what to do for punishment. Others go for a golden shower, I feed you olives." And while I appreciate the no golden shower policy (NOT my kink! :D), I told him that food was off the table. When being asked why, I told him one of the reasons: that I seriously didn't think one should play with food. Too much food goes to waste in Germany and other industrialized countries, and elsewhere people starve to death. How many animals die to end up as waste? That didn't give away, though, that it'd make me completely uncomfortable to not be able to decide or know when I'll eat what or how much. And then ... he asked about pet play. Treats are such a common thing. And I'd love to get some treats like chocolate ... but I also know that in the situation I'd panic. And that'd destroy the kitten headspace, I'd be all ED'ed again. I didn't know what to tell him - and luckily managed to postpone that discussion, saying I had to sleep over that decision. Luckily, he then said that he wasn't planning on a pet play session all too soon, so I got time to figure that out. Or let him in on the secret.
I'm not quite ready to tell him about my ED yet, though. He's nice enough, seems trustworthy - after all, I submit to him during sessions. But once people know, they watch me. They treat me differently. And the circle of those knowing is small. I'm not ready to let him in there just yet. Which makes me uncomfortable. Because I do submit, and he can't make the best decision based on an incomplete knowledge. He doesn't know what it feels like for me to be on display, how much I despise my body, how I constantly battle that voice that's telling me I'm not good enough. I feel bad for keeping that secret from him because at some point he may screw up and we'll suffer and it won't be his fault because he just couldn't have known.

So I am going to tell him. Soon-ish. Within the next couple of weeks. After we've played a few times and I know it's not a short time thing, once I know that we harmonize during play.

Which leaves me with one last topic to cover: (4) clothes and food and stuff. I'm going to keep this really brief because I feel bad enough about it and yet not bad enough to change it. I'm back to buying clothes one size smaller to motivate me. And to expecting inhumanely things from me. To plan calorie intakes below 1000 and fasts. I drink lots of black coffee ... because it's a natural laxative. *shrugs* It's the way it is. And I'm gonna tackle that another day.

xoxo

Kiwi

The image is gone

I don't know if it was me writing about it. I don't know if it was that friend of mine - whom I really need to give a name for to refer to her on this blog ... Hm. Let's call her M :) - So, I don't know if it was M telling me she could identify with what I had said, or telling me that she thinks there's something (ha, and I rarely dare to repeat her words here!) fragile and small about me, even though I'm taller than her. And while it's awkward that she knows, I'm also glad and thankful that she does.
It was probably a mix of all of the above. Most likely me not eating since Monday does play into there, too. And I'd worry about it not being healthy if I would be giving a shit. But I'm done with being responsible for now.
That's the bitter aftermath. Healthy or not, I'm feeling better about myself today. I can look in a mirror and not turn away - and I didn't even put up makeup this morning :D

And no worries - if anyone does worry - I am going to eat eventually. And I am going to fight my ED again, eventually. I just need some days off. If that makes any sense.

xoxo
Kiwi

The very worst of me

Hello there,

It feels weird blogging about this now, knowing that one of my friends does read my blog regularly. I try not to let that influence me, because the purpose of this blog has always been to help me. Vent, whine, reflect or make up my mind.
Today I have to release some pain. And while it helps me cope to write it all down, the mere act of putting it into words also makes it more real, and that hurts.

I had been looking forward to this weekend for several days, and all in all we had a blast. We went to a BDSM and pet play munch on Friday, then to a fetish store and a metal/rock/alternative party on Saturday, and I had my creative writing group over on Sunday.

At the fetish store, we urged a friend of mine to try on a red latex dress with a cleavage that can hardly be called a cleavage anymore. The neckline goes down to below her belly button. And she can totally pull it off! She looks amazing in it, but she needed some nudging and encouragement to try it on.
The thing is: she acted all coyly. But in my opinion, she was just shy and it was just that, an act. Like "I really want this but I'm too shy to admit it"-kind of thing. Which is fine - we all do it. And that's what friends are for. If she really hadn't wanted it, I'm not the one to push you. Nudge you out of your comfort zone, yeah, sure - but not push you out of it. And in the end, she spent more than 200€ on that latex dress - so I think it's fair to say that it was good to make her try it on.

But - it backfired. Because then my friends were all over me to try on one myself. Which I really didn't want to. Yet they told me not to be a chicken and that it was unfair to make her try one and not do it myself. They just meant it for the best. They really did. None of them could've known or even guessed what I was going through in that changing room. Or when they made me come out. Or, and worst of all, afterwards. And the shop owner, too, just wanted my best and she really tried. She told me that the next couple of days, if I didn't try a dress on, I'd be wondering what I would look like, if it would suit me - and that I should just do it. I really tried to avoid it - but in the end I had no choice but to try on a dress.
What the shop owner didn't know is that now I can't get that picture out of my head. And not in a good way. It haunts me. It inflicts pain on me on a physical level.
I tried on a black latex dress with a silver underbreast corset. And it just looked wrong. I can't even put it into words here, in my safe place and haven. I have no words for how horrible I felt. How I really had to pull myself together not to break down in that changing room, to keep up the smile for my friends. I just don't have the body for that kind of slim fit latex stuff.
I've always struggled with being ... big. Not just weight-wise, but also being tall. When you feel all small and fragile on the inside, it's hard to not have a body that matches that. I like cute and feminine dresses and I just found the courage to wear those last summer. I almost made piece with my body. Almost. But that latex dress just dashed all that. With one look, I suddenly felt appalled and disgusted again. The sudden wave of self-hatred that swept over me crushed me for good. It showed all the worst of me.
I looked like a person too big squeezed in a dress too tight. A person who obviously couldn't pull that off, yet tried to look sexy. A little girl trying to act grown up. And what bothers me, too, is that I looked dominant. I know I can be rather dominant sometimes (and I'm even considering trying to switch with a partner), but it's not something I have made piece with yet by far! And it's certainly not something I want to look like. I can't really explain it. But I felt like one of those people on trash TV who have absolutely no self-reflection whatsoever.
I'm really lacking the words to describe how I felt and why and what I looked like. It was just like my worst nightmare in one image. And that image keeps haunting me. I don't even remember the details, just that feeling when I looked at my reflection in the mirror. And how I had to try to joke around with my friends and thank the shop owner who really tried hard to compile an outfit and probably even did a great job. Had it been for someone else.

I had a hard time recovering from that. At the disco, I actually hid in the toilet to cry. Trying not to make a sound or smear my makeup or be gone too long. I feel guilty posting this right now, because that one friend who reads the blog also went partying with us. But in that club, I then excused myself, saying a friend needed my help, and ran off to sit in a corner and cope with that disgust that threatened to burry me. It was in that club that I worded the previous post. If I had had a knife there - I don't even want to go there. I tried to distract myself then. And luckily they played really good music, so after giving in to the thoughts for an hour or so, I was able to let it go for the moment and enjoy the rest of the night.

Yet, the image of myself in that dress, the very worst version of myself (and the voices of my friends telling me it looked good - somehow making it even worse), haunts me still. Last night, when walking the dog, I nearly broke down in the forrest.

I have hated my body all my life. But it's hardly ever manifested in physical pain. The level of disgust had hardly ever been high enough to make my lungs cry out in actual pain. For real. Produce a noise that mirrors what's going on inside.

And I can't eat. I just can't. I still have to find an outfit for that fetish party. And all I know is that I can't eat.

But: thanks Sam for that comment. You made me cry. And cry in a good way. I had no idea you were still reading my blog. But all the comforting words can't help me right now.
I have a friend who said whenever I need him, I should call for his help. I suck at asking for help, I just can't. So we even have our little joke of me just sending him an exclamation mark for when I'm bad and he knows. I did send him that exclamation mark in that club, and he tried to talk to me. But he urges me to see a shrink when I really don't want to and can't. It already took my everything to ask him for help, a friend that I trust and know and who basically had to tell me over and over again that he needs me to talk to him when I'm not good. But to seek professional help? Not only don't I want to talk about my struggles with strangers, it also kind of - and stupidly so - feels like failing.
And I know that I can't ever turn to him again for help because he doesn't get it. Which is okay. It's hard to get it when you don't know if from your own struggles. But I would've needed him to come over and hug me tight and let me cry and just not talk. Not try to talk reason into me when I'm already beyond good and bad, beyond madness and reason, beyond wisdom or practicality. Just that physical reassurance and a safe place to give in to my feelings without trying to talk them away.

xoxo
Kiwi

This moment ...

... when you're out with friends and you just want to have a good time. But you can't stand the body you're trapped in. You want to take a knife and cut yourself out of this shell that's not you. And you wish you could just forget about it, but there's just not enough booze to keep those thoughts from entering. And you go to the restroom and hide the tears and rock back and forth and wish this wasn't you and you weren't stuck with this.

The Little Things Give You Away

Water grey

Through the windows, up the stairs

Chilling rain

Like an ocean everywhere

Don't want to reach for me, do you?

I mean nothing to you

The little things give you away

And now there will be no mistaking

The levees are breaking

All you've ever wanted

Was someone to truly look up to you

And six feet under water

I do

Hope decays

Generations disappear

Washed away

As a nation simply stares

Don't want to reach for me, do you?

I mean nothing to you

The little things give you away

But now there will be no mistaking

The levees are breaking

All you've ever wanted

Was someone to truly look up to you

And six feet under water

I do

All you've ever wanted

Was someone to truly look up to you

And six feet under ground now

I

Now I do

Little things give you away

Little things give you away

Little things give you away

Little things give you away

All you've ever wanted (Little things give you away)

Was someone to truly look up to you (Little things give you away)

All you've ever wanted (Little things give you away)

Was someone to truly look up to you (Little things give you away)

All you've ever wanted (Little things give you away)

Was someone to truly look up to you (Little things give you away)

All you've ever wanted (Little things give you away)

Was someone to truly look up to you (Little things give you away)

All you've ever wanted (Little things give you away)

Was someone to truly look up to you (Little things give you away)

All you've ever wanted (Little things give you away)

Was someone to truly look up to you (Little things give you away)

Valentine's Day

My insides all turned to ash

So slow

And blew away as I collapsed

So cold

A black wind took them away

From sight

And held the darkness over day

That night

And the clouds above move closer

Looking so dissatisfied

But the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing

I used to be my own protection

But not now

'Cause my path has lost direction

Somehow

A black wind took you away

From sight

And held the darkness over day

That night

And the clouds above move closer

Looking so dissatisfied

And the ground below grew colder

As they put you down inside

But the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing

So now you're gone

And I was wrong

I never knew what it was like

To be alone

On a Valentine's day

On a Valentine's day

On a Valentine's day

On a Valentine's day

On a Valentine's day

(I used to be my own protection)

On a Valentine's day

(But not now)

On a Valentine's day

('Cause my mind has lost direction)

On a Valentine's day

(Somehow)

On a Valentine's day

(I used to be my own protection)

On a Valentine's day

(But not now)

On a Valentine's day

('Cause my mind has lost direction)

On a Valentine's day

(Somehow).