Let me be weak

I'd like to think I'm a rather strong girl. That I found my way through a lot of darkness, survived, kept my head up high. 

But there are other times. 

Times when I just want to fall to pieces. And have someone by my side pick me up again. Someone who knows the right order of this jigsaw, who knows what belongs in the picture and what doesn't. 

I want to let myself fall again, close my eyes and just let go - knowing that there's someone who'll catch me. Who'll wrap his arms around me and show me it'll be alright. That I'll be fine. 

Someone who lets me fall apart and builds me up again. Someone who helps me break into a thousand little splinters because he knows it's what I need. But who doesn't forget I also need him to fix me again, glue it all together - coming out stronger than I was. 

I need to trust someone that much again. 

I'd like to think I'm a rather strong girl. But I really need to be weak right now. 

I got Sherlocked

Date!

Hello world,

I'm super excited! I have a date on Sunday!
He messaged me on FetLife about a month ago. In the beginning, I didn't really like him at all - he seemed odd. And we had some communication problems because ... well, I guess my definition of some words (and connotations, sometimes) don't meet his. But I'm glad we got past that.
I'm still not sure we'll match kink-wise. He is into humiliation and pet play - I am not a pet (yet I said I'd try that and I will, I mean, in the end you never know - a lot of stuff I'm into now wouldn't have occurred to me a few months ago) and I'm very touchy when it comes to humiliation due to my past. But he said he doesn't wanna 'break' me or not do me any good - and by now I trust him on thatWe've been planning to meet for like three weeks now but never got the chance. First he was sick, then his car broke, then I was sick. I still am - but I hope that by Sunday I will be fine. Gosh, I'm so freaking nervous! I've decided on what to wear yesterday and that kinda calms me down. It'll be a black fake leather fringed skirt with a red top (that's got a thin fake leather collar and thus matches the skirt perfectly), and a pantyhose that's ... hm. How to describe that? It's black up to shortly over the knee and then the design changes and it looks like garters with bows, but it's still a pantyhose. It's something in between sexy and cute. My knee-length heeled boots will go well with it :) and to top it all of, I'll wear my red coat. I actually think that's about as good as I can do ...

I just wish I hadn't gained so much weight. Since AD left, I've been spiraling, unable to control my eating. I'm still far from healthy - probably even further away than before, but I care about myself again. I gained 9 fucking kilogram! I can't have that.
I've not been eating since Sunday. I know it's not healthy. But I need to drop 3 more kg till Sunday. Putting myself under a lot of pressure, I know ... But I really want him to like me. I mean, I know he likes my personality already, and he's been attracted to my pictures on FetLife - but those only show my face or max my upper body. You don't see my belly or my hips or my legs or any of that ... Especially not now that I've gained so fucking much!
So ... I've never really gone without eating for that long, to be honest. I was a little dizzy this morning, but not worryingly so. I've had a grande nonfat latte this morning - but I think that's about as much as I'll have today. I can't help but feel a bit proud about Tuesday. I was already at the store, binge-mode fully on - when I fought the binge. I've never ever fought a binge before. It makes me hope I can actually do this!

But enough of me talking about my issues that can't be fixed anyways. I mean, I'm fully aware that I'm not anywhere near healthy right now - yet I don't wanna change that. Not until the scale plays nice again. I've come so far the past year - I can't have two months of spiraling take that from me.

And ... This may be my last chance to ... Give in to my ED. Once I have a new Dom, I won't be allowed to let it take over control, I'm pretty sure of that.

Super excited hugs and kisses
xoxo
Kiwi

Very briefly: Feeling better

Not eating. Feels good. Scares me - but I am giving me some slack till next Monday. I've decided to get back to living healthily then. I know I can do it.

I have a date on Sunday. I'm so excited!

More soon - once I find the time and feel the urge to write again. Right now, even though I'm not coping too well, I feel like I can sort it out in my head or with friends and don't necessarily have to put it down here.