The image is gone

I don't know if it was me writing about it. I don't know if it was that friend of mine - whom I really need to give a name for to refer to her on this blog ... Hm. Let's call her M :) - So, I don't know if it was M telling me she could identify with what I had said, or telling me that she thinks there's something (ha, and I rarely dare to repeat her words here!) fragile and small about me, even though I'm taller than her. And while it's awkward that she knows, I'm also glad and thankful that she does.
It was probably a mix of all of the above. Most likely me not eating since Monday does play into there, too. And I'd worry about it not being healthy if I would be giving a shit. But I'm done with being responsible for now.
That's the bitter aftermath. Healthy or not, I'm feeling better about myself today. I can look in a mirror and not turn away - and I didn't even put up makeup this morning :D

And no worries - if anyone does worry - I am going to eat eventually. And I am going to fight my ED again, eventually. I just need some days off. If that makes any sense.

xoxo
Kiwi

The very worst of me

Hello there,

It feels weird blogging about this now, knowing that one of my friends does read my blog regularly. I try not to let that influence me, because the purpose of this blog has always been to help me. Vent, whine, reflect or make up my mind.
Today I have to release some pain. And while it helps me cope to write it all down, the mere act of putting it into words also makes it more real, and that hurts.

I had been looking forward to this weekend for several days, and all in all we had a blast. We went to a BDSM and pet play munch on Friday, then to a fetish store and a metal/rock/alternative party on Saturday, and I had my creative writing group over on Sunday.

At the fetish store, we urged a friend of mine to try on a red latex dress with a cleavage that can hardly be called a cleavage anymore. The neckline goes down to below her belly button. And she can totally pull it off! She looks amazing in it, but she needed some nudging and encouragement to try it on.
The thing is: she acted all coyly. But in my opinion, she was just shy and it was just that, an act. Like "I really want this but I'm too shy to admit it"-kind of thing. Which is fine - we all do it. And that's what friends are for. If she really hadn't wanted it, I'm not the one to push you. Nudge you out of your comfort zone, yeah, sure - but not push you out of it. And in the end, she spent more than 200€ on that latex dress - so I think it's fair to say that it was good to make her try it on.

But - it backfired. Because then my friends were all over me to try on one myself. Which I really didn't want to. Yet they told me not to be a chicken and that it was unfair to make her try one and not do it myself. They just meant it for the best. They really did. None of them could've known or even guessed what I was going through in that changing room. Or when they made me come out. Or, and worst of all, afterwards. And the shop owner, too, just wanted my best and she really tried. She told me that the next couple of days, if I didn't try a dress on, I'd be wondering what I would look like, if it would suit me - and that I should just do it. I really tried to avoid it - but in the end I had no choice but to try on a dress.
What the shop owner didn't know is that now I can't get that picture out of my head. And not in a good way. It haunts me. It inflicts pain on me on a physical level.
I tried on a black latex dress with a silver underbreast corset. And it just looked wrong. I can't even put it into words here, in my safe place and haven. I have no words for how horrible I felt. How I really had to pull myself together not to break down in that changing room, to keep up the smile for my friends. I just don't have the body for that kind of slim fit latex stuff.
I've always struggled with being ... big. Not just weight-wise, but also being tall. When you feel all small and fragile on the inside, it's hard to not have a body that matches that. I like cute and feminine dresses and I just found the courage to wear those last summer. I almost made piece with my body. Almost. But that latex dress just dashed all that. With one look, I suddenly felt appalled and disgusted again. The sudden wave of self-hatred that swept over me crushed me for good. It showed all the worst of me.
I looked like a person too big squeezed in a dress too tight. A person who obviously couldn't pull that off, yet tried to look sexy. A little girl trying to act grown up. And what bothers me, too, is that I looked dominant. I know I can be rather dominant sometimes (and I'm even considering trying to switch with a partner), but it's not something I have made piece with yet by far! And it's certainly not something I want to look like. I can't really explain it. But I felt like one of those people on trash TV who have absolutely no self-reflection whatsoever.
I'm really lacking the words to describe how I felt and why and what I looked like. It was just like my worst nightmare in one image. And that image keeps haunting me. I don't even remember the details, just that feeling when I looked at my reflection in the mirror. And how I had to try to joke around with my friends and thank the shop owner who really tried hard to compile an outfit and probably even did a great job. Had it been for someone else.

I had a hard time recovering from that. At the disco, I actually hid in the toilet to cry. Trying not to make a sound or smear my makeup or be gone too long. I feel guilty posting this right now, because that one friend who reads the blog also went partying with us. But in that club, I then excused myself, saying a friend needed my help, and ran off to sit in a corner and cope with that disgust that threatened to burry me. It was in that club that I worded the previous post. If I had had a knife there - I don't even want to go there. I tried to distract myself then. And luckily they played really good music, so after giving in to the thoughts for an hour or so, I was able to let it go for the moment and enjoy the rest of the night.

Yet, the image of myself in that dress, the very worst version of myself (and the voices of my friends telling me it looked good - somehow making it even worse), haunts me still. Last night, when walking the dog, I nearly broke down in the forrest.

I have hated my body all my life. But it's hardly ever manifested in physical pain. The level of disgust had hardly ever been high enough to make my lungs cry out in actual pain. For real. Produce a noise that mirrors what's going on inside.

And I can't eat. I just can't. I still have to find an outfit for that fetish party. And all I know is that I can't eat.

But: thanks Sam for that comment. You made me cry. And cry in a good way. I had no idea you were still reading my blog. But all the comforting words can't help me right now.
I have a friend who said whenever I need him, I should call for his help. I suck at asking for help, I just can't. So we even have our little joke of me just sending him an exclamation mark for when I'm bad and he knows. I did send him that exclamation mark in that club, and he tried to talk to me. But he urges me to see a shrink when I really don't want to and can't. It already took my everything to ask him for help, a friend that I trust and know and who basically had to tell me over and over again that he needs me to talk to him when I'm not good. But to seek professional help? Not only don't I want to talk about my struggles with strangers, it also kind of - and stupidly so - feels like failing.
And I know that I can't ever turn to him again for help because he doesn't get it. Which is okay. It's hard to get it when you don't know if from your own struggles. But I would've needed him to come over and hug me tight and let me cry and just not talk. Not try to talk reason into me when I'm already beyond good and bad, beyond madness and reason, beyond wisdom or practicality. Just that physical reassurance and a safe place to give in to my feelings without trying to talk them away.

xoxo
Kiwi

This moment ...

... when you're out with friends and you just want to have a good time. But you can't stand the body you're trapped in. You want to take a knife and cut yourself out of this shell that's not you. And you wish you could just forget about it, but there's just not enough booze to keep those thoughts from entering. And you go to the restroom and hide the tears and rock back and forth and wish this wasn't you and you weren't stuck with this.

The Little Things Give You Away

Water grey

Through the windows, up the stairs

Chilling rain

Like an ocean everywhere

Don't want to reach for me, do you?

I mean nothing to you

The little things give you away

And now there will be no mistaking

The levees are breaking

All you've ever wanted

Was someone to truly look up to you

And six feet under water

I do

Hope decays

Generations disappear

Washed away

As a nation simply stares

Don't want to reach for me, do you?

I mean nothing to you

The little things give you away

But now there will be no mistaking

The levees are breaking

All you've ever wanted

Was someone to truly look up to you

And six feet under water

I do

All you've ever wanted

Was someone to truly look up to you

And six feet under ground now

I

Now I do

Little things give you away

Little things give you away

Little things give you away

Little things give you away

All you've ever wanted (Little things give you away)

Was someone to truly look up to you (Little things give you away)

All you've ever wanted (Little things give you away)

Was someone to truly look up to you (Little things give you away)

All you've ever wanted (Little things give you away)

Was someone to truly look up to you (Little things give you away)

All you've ever wanted (Little things give you away)

Was someone to truly look up to you (Little things give you away)

All you've ever wanted (Little things give you away)

Was someone to truly look up to you (Little things give you away)

All you've ever wanted (Little things give you away)

Was someone to truly look up to you (Little things give you away)

Valentine's Day

My insides all turned to ash

So slow

And blew away as I collapsed

So cold

A black wind took them away

From sight

And held the darkness over day

That night

And the clouds above move closer

Looking so dissatisfied

But the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing

I used to be my own protection

But not now

'Cause my path has lost direction

Somehow

A black wind took you away

From sight

And held the darkness over day

That night

And the clouds above move closer

Looking so dissatisfied

And the ground below grew colder

As they put you down inside

But the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing

So now you're gone

And I was wrong

I never knew what it was like

To be alone

On a Valentine's day

On a Valentine's day

On a Valentine's day

On a Valentine's day

On a Valentine's day

(I used to be my own protection)

On a Valentine's day

(But not now)

On a Valentine's day

('Cause my mind has lost direction)

On a Valentine's day

(Somehow)

On a Valentine's day

(I used to be my own protection)

On a Valentine's day

(But not now)

On a Valentine's day

('Cause my mind has lost direction)

On a Valentine's day

(Somehow).

Hall of Shame

I don't really want to post this, but I feel that I have to. So I am just going to.

My ED is really really bad right now. Like, really really bad. Completely out of control. And I have no idea how to get it back to how it was.

I've never purged. Whenever I had bulimia-like binges, I resisted the urge. I can recall one time when I knelt in front of my toilet and tried to, but couldn't. There are two reasons for why I never purged. On the one hand, it doesn't help much. Most of the calories are by then somehow in your system already, so that you just get rid of what's inside of your stomach. It's also extremely unhealthy and ruins your body and your oesophagus. The other reason - which is the more important one, because let's be honest, we're talking about being mentally fucked up here, who cares about health and reason then?! - is that I binge to punish myself. It's a lot more twisted than that, but it's basically some sort of punishment.

Long story short: I am so out of control that I knelt in front of my toilet again last week. I couldn't vomit, it just didn't work. Bulimics have more practice than I do. That's how bad it is.

I drink lots of black coffee. Because it's a natural laxative. I googled laxatives. I didn't buy any. Yet.

I'm super ashamed of how bad it is again. It's really fucking with me right now. One second I feel good, the next I don't. It's just ... so very much out of my control.

I'm a hopeless romantic with a dirty mind

What is it about this BDSM lifestyle that makes people smooch my cheek and tell me how cute and innocently naive it is that I wanna be monogamous with someone?

Is it so weird that I want someone to take an interest in me - and not just my submission?

Is it so weird that I want someone to sweep me off my feet, make me feel loved and like a princess - before he fucks my brains out?

Yes. I'm a naively romantic bitch. It may even be childish. But how come that in vanilla world you fall in love, and here you get collared? If even that. Why can't we have both? Why is it hard to find a boyfriend, but have multiple people wanting to be your owner?

I love to play. I love how open most people in this lifestyle are. But why must we discuss kink before anything else?

Yes. I'm a naively romantic bitch. But I wanna wake up to good morning texts and close my eyes to goodnight ones. I want some innocence in between plugs and crops and blowjobs.

Why is kink always the center of attention? I want someone to make me happy. And happily fuck me to heaven then.

I want someone to make me unspeakably blissful before he does the unspeakable to me.

I want someone to fight for me as a girl - before he fights for me as a sub.

Is that so much to ask for? Am I entering the wrong lifestyle for that? Am I the only naively romantic chick out there?

An update

Hello world,

it's been a while. It's been a while indeed. And I somehow managed to cope without blogging - and I did not go nuts. At least I don't think so. But I have some spare time on my hands - because I am at work and there's nothing to do and the colleague I share my office with is not here today. So it's time for a little update.

What have I been up to? Uhm. Well. Nothing much, actually. Though I have been to my third munch and through people there have been introduced to two more munches which take place on a weekly basis. Actually, I am headed to one of those after work tonight. A warm hug to my very own stalker who was bored enough to actually read my blog :D (And yet, she's not managed to watch the latest Sherlock episode!) It feels weird knowing that someone I know in real life read through these private ramblings - but then again, it was bound to happen at some point in time, considering that I have it linked to my FetLife profile and am now getting in touch with my local scene.

So. That's what I am enjoying at the moment - exploring kink, meeting people, learning, experiencing. Playing.

I did mention my date with T, did I not? Well. We've had four dates so far, things are going slow. Which is alright, I guess. He's busy with work and his PhD, and I get that. Yet I am not someone who can handle this uncertainty all too well, so I told myself that I'd wait till the end of February (when his PhD exam is over) and if by then he hasn't made up his mind if he's in for something serious or not, then I'll end this. Not saying that I need a declaration of love or whatever - but I'd like to know if he even considers something relationship-ish or can imagine that. This whole two-hour-date-thingy is starting to upset me. And I am not going to wait for him forever. Either he wants to really get to know me - and that means really spend time with me - or he does not.

I'm not sure if I mentioned it before, but T and I don't really match kink-wise. Which I saw as a huge downfall in the beginning. Now I'm not that sure anymore. Because I'm still so new to everything and it does me good to be pushed out of my comfort zone and be confronted with things I wouldn't have thought I might be into. I am starting to be curious about kinks I wouldn't even have considered before. The one surprising me the most is pet play. I remember when T told me that he was into that, I was kinda like "wtf?" and thought it super weird. But I did some research, and the more I read, the more curious I am. So, as it happens, it's T's birthday next week, and even though he doesn't want me to, I got him a present. He doesn't know what it is yet. It needed to be something personal, and what's more personal than kink? So: I am going to try pet play for him. I'm really excited! I got this cat mask, a collar, a leash and a plug tail. Together with some nice lace gloves and garters, this is really something I am looking forward to! I have the attitude of a cat, hihi. If you're not nice to me, I will curl up, turning my back to you, being such a tease with the plug tail - but don't you dare get near me then. I'll claw you, hissing. - This is going to be fun. And my mantra is "spoil the kitten!" - I stumbled across collars with bows and bells and lace and oh-my-god-that's-so-cute!

So I'm really glad that I kind of was forced to deal with that topic. I also would have thought I'd be more sensitive in regard to humiliation than I actually seem to be. We'll see where I'll end up. And to think that AD saw that potential in me all along and did the ground work ... I wish I could thank him. And then kick his balls for leaving me like that ;-)

This is probably also going to be the last post in a while. The institute I work for as a student assistant is designing a new website and I am responsible for the English translations. Huge responsibility! But instead of working 19 hours per week, from mid-February on I will have to work 31 hours per week. That surely is going to be touch and time-intensive.

Oh, and I picked up playing Basketball again. Just to mention it. I suck at it, though. I need practice!

Anyways.

xoxo

Kiwi