Spiraling

I' really, really bad again.

Watching Netflix. All I can think is "damn, that's a nice body" or "love those hip bones" or "if I stop eating now, by the end of the year I might look like that".

Big into self harming behavior. Trying not to let it out on my tattoo. That'd be damage I can't ever make up again.

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

A Belt

Hello world,

I realize I haven't been blogging much in the past couple of days. I'm still working on a longer blog post that I started but somehow can't find the motivation to finish. I guess it's because I've been dwelling over it so much that I already partly solved the issues I had and thus don't feel the pressing urge to write it all down anymore. But I will, eventually.

This post can't wait, though, because I need to voice this.

I'm kinda talking to a guy, I don't really know what I'm getting myself into because ... well. With AD it was always clear that it'd always be online only, that we'd never actually meet or have a future together - He used to call Himself a "space filler" for me until I found my next boyfriend. But this guy (let's call him CN) - that's different. He's actually interested in being together, for real. Which both attracts and scares me.

So far I like Him a lot. - Uh, just caught myself capping the pronoun. Guess that gives away how much I like Him. I'm gonna stop right here and not get into it - He deserves a post of His own and not be a preface to what I really want to touch in this post.

So we've been talking about fantasies. I told Him about one that I had (that is as much cliche as it is hot). He's very ambitious when it comes to His job and I imagined how I'd visit Him in His office. I'd be wearing a trench coat and a scarf, garters and heels.  I'd carry a lunch bag with some sandwiches to cover my story. I'd lock the door behind me, then I'd take off my coat. Wearing nothing but those garters and the heels (though maybe if I had really really hot lingerie ... but you get the idea), take off my scarf and reveal my collar underneath it. He'd push me down to my knees and makes me gag on his cock to punish me for trying to call the shots, coming to His office like that. Then He'd bend me over His desk and fucks me. He'd cum in my ass, taking a butt plug and sealing His cum. Then He'd tell me to go stand in the corner, maybe cuffed to the wall, maybe with a nice little spreaderbar. And He'd get back to work and enjoys the view while making phone calls.

So far, so good.

Then He told me a fantasy that He had. How I'd be kneeling, naked, blindfolded, wearing ear plugs, mouth open. Ready to please but completely clueless what'd happen to me. How He may not even be in the same room. And I wouldn't know if the next thing I felt was Him caressing me or the stroke of a belt.

That's when I started to lose it. I never really knew why pictures with men holding a belt bothered me. I just never liked the idea. But when I imagined that scene it hit me right in the face and I couldn't pull back. Couldn't escape a memory coming back, one that I had carefully supressed.

I never forgot that my father used to hit me - but I somehow forgot how. (I'm at the office right now and I'm trying hard not to lose it, but my hands are shaking. Yet I need to write this down.) It came rushing back to me then, though. How he used to take off his belt. How I'd try to cover my face, make myself small. How that didn't stop him. Gripping my shoulder. Yelling at me, telling me how worthless I am. One thing I remember specifically. How I tried to run, fled to the stairs to get to my room. And wasn't fast enough.

I lost it yesterday. I was hacking portals, headed to the supermarket. I managed to grab some groceries but forgot half of it. I was shaking. That image of me running for the stairs. The brown leather belt.

As soon as I got home, I watched some Dexter episodes to take my mind off it. I'm just glad the memories came back when we only talked about it. If He had asked me what was off limits, I wouldn't have mentioned a belt. I didn't remember. I would've said something like "well, a paddle is not off limits - but be careful. Let's start slowly, not sure I'd like it" - but a belt? Actually, it never even crossed my mind. Because subconsciously, I never connected a belt with pleasure. And my subconsciousness blended out the thought of getting punished with a belt.

I'm trying not to lose it at the office. But I had to write this down. So that I'll never forget again.

I also remember how I once tried to fight back, tried to catch his arm mid-air. And how I wasn't strong enough, how that infuriated him. - I know he wouldn't try to beat me up today, those days are over. Not because he felt guilty about it or came to the conclusion that it didn't do any good. It just ... stopped when I grew older. And now that I don't live with him anymore, he doesn't have a say. But if he ever did - I swear to God, I wouldn't let him. I remember that even though I tried to fight back, I was also scared and reluctant. I wouldn't be today. I'd fight him. I'd yell at him, tell him what he did to me, how poor he must be that the only way to solve things was for him to beat me up. How he was fucking right, how he never should've had children in the first place. Because he told me a few months ago that he had never wanted to have kids. I'd tell him that he fucked up. Fucked up my life. And that ever since I can think, I've been trying to put myself together. (No. Don't you cry. Not at the office. Don't you dare.) How I wish I knew what a family was. How I wish I could just be open with people, share my feelings, talk about these things. How I wish I for once felt like I deserved to be loved. How I wish I could accept myself. How I fucking wished he hadn't fucking told me on my birthday that I had gained weight. Right before my birthday party. When I had made up my mind that I wouldn't think about calories or not working out that weekend. That I would enjoy my party. Enjoy turning 23, look at that tattoo and be happy. "I am your father, I am allowed to tell you that, even on your birthday." Are you? I don't think so. You're my goddamn father, you should give me a hug for my birthday. But the last time you hugged me was when I turned 13 or 14, I don't quite remember. (Damn, tears, go away!)

I'm losing it. And I said what I needed to say. If I continue down this path, I won't be able to pull myself together. And I can't break down here.

xoxo

Kiwi

It's my birthday but ...

... I would love to look like that and be someone's present!

princess by day - slut by night

Working out alright

Hello world,

and especially: Hello Nasimiyu! Can't believe you read this and left a comment - it was so great to read it! I hope you're well and still enjoying the benefits of marriage ;-)

Let's see. There was a lot that I wanted to write about - but to be honest, I can't recall it. Which is good, I guess, because it means I somehow solved it without having to agonize over it in writing. So I thought I'd simply give you a little update on my life.

Friday is my birthday. I turn 23 - and I'm excited. It's the first birthday in 7 years that I'm single, the first time that my ex won't wake me up, that I'll throw a party and invite friends and not go out for dinner with him. I'm somehow glad - this sounds mean, but I am. It means I'll be having fun instead of a romantic dinner with bad sex afterwards. And as for the sex, well, E kinda promised me something ;-)

I went out partying last Saturday with my best friend, S. Sadly, E didn't come - but we met his two best friends and had a lot of fun. S got along with them perfectly fine which is quite a relief. Now my birthday will be even more fun! I didn't drink that much, but I still somehow managed to forget to get off my train talking to S. So when we waited for the next train, we had one of these girl talks. This sounds like I'm the outcast who never had friend - but it was kinda the first time I had one of these "let's talk about guys and sex" moments. And it was fun. The booze also helped. I can't really recall what details I mentioned, but I'm sure it wasn't vanilla. I'm just really glad to have her.

Next to my laptop is the shopping list for my birthday. Booze, more booze, pizza monkey bread, noodle salad, blueberry muffins, cheese cake. So much food! And it'll continue on Sunday when I'm having lunch with my family, there'll be a lot of food and cake and cake and cake. I try not to panic.

I do not want to, but I think I kinda have to mention it. I'm not doing well on food these days. I didn't eat at all yesterday. I just only had a persimmon for brekky, and I'm not really planning on having much else than cereals today. I'm such a hypocrite! Yesterday on IRC, there was this girl. She's a friend's sub and she mentioned how she worked out for the first time that day and was so proud and how it was the first step of dropping 100 pounds. That's when my red alarm light flashed. 100 pounds - that's a huge change. Let's see - I dropped roughly 30 pounds in one year, completely healthily. For a 19 year old girl to tackle 100 pounds, that'd be 2 years at least. I don't know how other girls are at 19 - but I wouldn't have planned that much time. I'm a fucked up maniac, I would've been like "next christmas I'm gonna have dropped 100 pounds" because The Biggest Loser and other TV shows and celebrities say that it's possible. Personally, by now I don't think it is when you don't devote your every second to it.

But I really should keep my mouth shut since I'm the biggest hypocrite of all. Drop weight healthily? Yeah. Did that. The whole freaking year until now. Now I'm back to fasting, and I worked out yesterday. I jogged round about 45 minutes and even included some exercises like 100 jumping jacks, an exercise I remember from Basketball (we called it Quivering) and others that I don't recall the name of. I'm proud as hell - I even took a before-workout/after-workout selfie. Even back in the really fucked up ED'ed days, I was a lazy one when it came to working out. I may have kicked my ass to go jogging for 30 minutes, but I would've never included additional exercises, let alone push myself to my very limits of exhaustion (the last 20 jumping jacks were just cruel!).

I shouldn't be proud of fasting. But I am. I gained so much weight in the past month, I'm scared to weigh in. I honestly am. So until I face a number on the scale, my stupid brain is all like 'if you don't eat now, you can make up for the past month and the scale won't hate you that much'. - And here I go, worrying over a probably perfectly healthy girl (who, on top, has a caring Dom at her side who will not let her fall over the edge, I'm sure) while I am not healthy at all. It's like it's always been: You tell others how beautiful they are and how they should cherish their body - but when it comes to your own body and yourself, that's a whole different story. Kinda ironic how I know so freaking much about living healthily, good workouts, when to eat what, nutrition, cooking - all of that, but can't really live up to it myself, can't implement those rules into my day. At the moment.

I know I'll get back to it. I've been there before. Three years ago, I fought my demons, and I can do this again. Just ... not today.

xoxo

Kiwi

let's get a little more kinky because I don't have the time to write a post though there's so much on my mind ... but kinky pics are known to be a lovely distraction

Something slightly kinky to brighten it up a bit

Dwelling in the past

Friday. He'd be gone for the whole weekend. I always felt like it would tear me apart. And he'd be worried about me. He often stayed on borrowed time, find some excuse for his wife so he could be with me for another few minutes.

Me: I'll be fine

AD: :(

AD: I appreciate that babe

AD: I shouldn't be putting you through this

AD: I'll be really upset when you find your next boyfriend, but even more pleased

Me: How often do I have to ask you to go until you do? :P

AD: Another dozen times

Me: Please go

Me: Please go

Me: Please go

Me: Please go

Me: Please go

Me: Please go

Me: Pleaso go

Me: Please go

Me: Please go

Me: Please go

Me: Please go

Me: Please go

AD: Ha

Me: There you go

AD: You make me laugh

Me: Still not gone?

AD: Nope

Me: so you've lied

AD: :p

Me: I've asked you another dozen times, yet you're still here

AD: Smartass

Me: you know how it's important for a Dom to follow through? :P

AD: You know how it's important for a sub to remember her place? :p

Me: I need you to go, seriously.

AD: For me or you?

Me: Both, I think

AD: Okay

Me: There's a huge part of me that wants you to stay, but I can't have that

AD: Babe, if this is causing you so much discomfort, I really think you need to reassess

AD: Is it really worth the grief?

AD: I feel like its every week that it upsets you :(

Me: talk to you soon, ok? x

AD: And I don't blame you one bit

AD: Ok

Me: have a great night

AD: Thanks. Have a great day

Me: bye x

AD: Bye x

Yes. I am a naive, pathetic, stupid bitch - but does that sound like someone who's playing me? Does this really sound like someone who's bullshitting me? I've been going through a lot of our conversations in my head. And they were all like this.

Despite everything, I miss him so much. And I am afraid to admit it because, well, how pathetic am I?

Push and shove

Hello world,

It really is time for an update. I've been trying to put this off as long as possible, but I feel that if I don't get to it now, I never will. And, to be honest, I need to write some of these things down in order to deal with them. That's what this blog has always been about. It's kinda weird to know that there are people out there who read this - who actually tell me on IRC that they look forward to reading from me. I'm still trying to wrap my head around that, when all I am really doing on here is trying to make up my mind and handle what's going on.

A few days ago, one of the room ops PM'ed me, telling me that AD was online. Using a different nick. He said there was no doubt it'd be him because he used some kind of ID tracker. And since AD had joined a room that I was in, he thought it was kind of my right to know.

I still do not have any words for how I felt. I broke down.

I confronted AD. Tried to get answers. He denied knowing anything about an AustDom - anything about me.

Before I hurt too much over this, I am going to stop right here. I just needed to say it once, for the record. I bet whoever reads this can imagine what it did to me, how badly I hurt. I cried over it all night, I never felt that drained and numb ever before.

I am also slightly mad. Not because AD was a jerk. He really wasn't. Not when he was with me. Memories have been coming back of what he did to me - and all of that was good. I still kinda can't believe that he really played me that badly. But by this, he not only took our future, he also took our past. He spoiled it. Every memory I have, now it's all like "well, was that really genuine?".

I've decided to answer this question with a "Yes". He's done so much for me, he's seriously looked out for me, and he's changed me - for the better. I don't know what happened that he decided to turn from me the way he did, I have no idea why he chose to become an asshole in the end - but throughout the whole time that we were together, he's really been a good guy. Genuine. Protective. Had my best interest in mind. Whatever changed - I am not going to let it change my memories. And even more so: I am not going to stop my development.

Not only am I currently kind of dating E - though not really dating, but well *grins shyly* - but I am also chatting with a Dom on IRC, GiN. This is really weird, knowing he'll probably read this. But talking with him, and with E, kind of makes me think back of how I was six months ago when I met AD. I was super shy. I couldn't even say something like "I would like you to tie me up, blindfold me and fuck me" - well, to be fair, I struggle with it nowadays too, but I am able to cope. It blows my mind to see who I am becoming - and to get a sense of what I am capable of.

So I've decided to push myself even further. I am not sure if I mentioned it on here before, but I am kind of pushing myself every now and then in harmless situations. Situations that usually would make me uncomfortable - I tackle those now and am always surprised that I come out still standing. And stronger. It's some kind of weird therapy that AD began and that I am now continuing - that is, until the next Dom comes along and will take over, I guess ;-)

There is this one picture of me. It shows me topless in bed. It was a sunday morning, I think, and I had just woken up. AD had texted me. I was in bed, nude, my hair undone, sleepy eyes. And AD told me to take a pic for him. What kind of pic, I asked. "Surprise me." Those were always the times that made me uncomfortable. Surprise me - that means anything. What if he doesn't like what I did? What if he thinks it ugly? Can't he just tell me what to do? That way I would know I please him. - But I guess AD knew that, and that was exactly the point why he always pushed me to surprise him. To make me uncomfortable and grow with it, and because he was curious what I'd come up with. So I got my nipple clamps. And I asked him to give me a number out of 10. - "Seven." (Later on he told me how he loved that I had asked him for a number, because it gave him some control even though I had come up with the clamps by myself) So I adjusted the clamps and took the chain that connects them between my teeth. Looked up in the camera - and took a photo. He loved it. He loved the look on my face - vulnerable and submissive. And I do have to say it's the only nude pic of me that I like. And I remember that morning. I felt good back then. Sexy, even. 

I uploaded it to my Fetlife profile. Set the privacy to friends - for now. It was a huge step. It's always been some kind of hard limit for me - but I am proud that I did it. It's one part of my process of coming to terms with myself. I even got positive feedback - which is all the more weird. One day I will be ready to show it to the Fetlife community. And I am looking forward to that day, because it'll mean that I am comfortable in my skin, period.

There is a lot more drama going on at the moment. But I think I'll spare you, for now. I really needed to get these words off of my chest. I feel free to breathe now again, that's a relief.

Guess I am a true writer after all. As soon as the picture was out there, I needed to write. Now I am somewhat at peace.

xoxo

Kiwi