Le sigh

Hey world,

Life is an up and down these days. I'm just on the train, yet I made up my mind about something right now.
I do have a play partner now, C, and he's amazing. He knows what to say when and gives me the security I need. Yet it's not enough.
I gained so much weight since AD left and I can't seem to get a hold of myself. The more insecure I get, the more I turn to food. But it's more than that. I eat to punish myself for pretty much everything. Forced eating - ha ha. It's the other ugly side of my ED, the one you can't explain to anyone because it's just too sick.
I truly despise myself when I look in the mirror.
That's gotta change.
Reasonably, objectively, I know this is the worst decision ever, not healthy and it won't help me in the long run. But: I can't gain any more weight. So I'm gonna throw myself into the arms of my ED and starve myself. It's the only way I know right now how to cope and stop hating myself every single day.

I'm sorry.