Working out alright

Hello world,

and especially: Hello Nasimiyu! Can't believe you read this and left a comment - it was so great to read it! I hope you're well and still enjoying the benefits of marriage ;-)

Let's see. There was a lot that I wanted to write about - but to be honest, I can't recall it. Which is good, I guess, because it means I somehow solved it without having to agonize over it in writing. So I thought I'd simply give you a little update on my life.

Friday is my birthday. I turn 23 - and I'm excited. It's the first birthday in 7 years that I'm single, the first time that my ex won't wake me up, that I'll throw a party and invite friends and not go out for dinner with him. I'm somehow glad - this sounds mean, but I am. It means I'll be having fun instead of a romantic dinner with bad sex afterwards. And as for the sex, well, E kinda promised me something ;-)

I went out partying last Saturday with my best friend, S. Sadly, E didn't come - but we met his two best friends and had a lot of fun. S got along with them perfectly fine which is quite a relief. Now my birthday will be even more fun! I didn't drink that much, but I still somehow managed to forget to get off my train talking to S. So when we waited for the next train, we had one of these girl talks. This sounds like I'm the outcast who never had friend - but it was kinda the first time I had one of these "let's talk about guys and sex" moments. And it was fun. The booze also helped. I can't really recall what details I mentioned, but I'm sure it wasn't vanilla. I'm just really glad to have her.

Next to my laptop is the shopping list for my birthday. Booze, more booze, pizza monkey bread, noodle salad, blueberry muffins, cheese cake. So much food! And it'll continue on Sunday when I'm having lunch with my family, there'll be a lot of food and cake and cake and cake. I try not to panic.

I do not want to, but I think I kinda have to mention it. I'm not doing well on food these days. I didn't eat at all yesterday. I just only had a persimmon for brekky, and I'm not really planning on having much else than cereals today. I'm such a hypocrite! Yesterday on IRC, there was this girl. She's a friend's sub and she mentioned how she worked out for the first time that day and was so proud and how it was the first step of dropping 100 pounds. That's when my red alarm light flashed. 100 pounds - that's a huge change. Let's see - I dropped roughly 30 pounds in one year, completely healthily. For a 19 year old girl to tackle 100 pounds, that'd be 2 years at least. I don't know how other girls are at 19 - but I wouldn't have planned that much time. I'm a fucked up maniac, I would've been like "next christmas I'm gonna have dropped 100 pounds" because The Biggest Loser and other TV shows and celebrities say that it's possible. Personally, by now I don't think it is when you don't devote your every second to it.

But I really should keep my mouth shut since I'm the biggest hypocrite of all. Drop weight healthily? Yeah. Did that. The whole freaking year until now. Now I'm back to fasting, and I worked out yesterday. I jogged round about 45 minutes and even included some exercises like 100 jumping jacks, an exercise I remember from Basketball (we called it Quivering) and others that I don't recall the name of. I'm proud as hell - I even took a before-workout/after-workout selfie. Even back in the really fucked up ED'ed days, I was a lazy one when it came to working out. I may have kicked my ass to go jogging for 30 minutes, but I would've never included additional exercises, let alone push myself to my very limits of exhaustion (the last 20 jumping jacks were just cruel!).

I shouldn't be proud of fasting. But I am. I gained so much weight in the past month, I'm scared to weigh in. I honestly am. So until I face a number on the scale, my stupid brain is all like 'if you don't eat now, you can make up for the past month and the scale won't hate you that much'. - And here I go, worrying over a probably perfectly healthy girl (who, on top, has a caring Dom at her side who will not let her fall over the edge, I'm sure) while I am not healthy at all. It's like it's always been: You tell others how beautiful they are and how they should cherish their body - but when it comes to your own body and yourself, that's a whole different story. Kinda ironic how I know so freaking much about living healthily, good workouts, when to eat what, nutrition, cooking - all of that, but can't really live up to it myself, can't implement those rules into my day. At the moment.

I know I'll get back to it. I've been there before. Three years ago, I fought my demons, and I can do this again. Just ... not today.

xoxo

Kiwi