Push and shove

Hello world,

It really is time for an update. I've been trying to put this off as long as possible, but I feel that if I don't get to it now, I never will. And, to be honest, I need to write some of these things down in order to deal with them. That's what this blog has always been about. It's kinda weird to know that there are people out there who read this - who actually tell me on IRC that they look forward to reading from me. I'm still trying to wrap my head around that, when all I am really doing on here is trying to make up my mind and handle what's going on.

A few days ago, one of the room ops PM'ed me, telling me that AD was online. Using a different nick. He said there was no doubt it'd be him because he used some kind of ID tracker. And since AD had joined a room that I was in, he thought it was kind of my right to know.

I still do not have any words for how I felt. I broke down.

I confronted AD. Tried to get answers. He denied knowing anything about an AustDom - anything about me.

Before I hurt too much over this, I am going to stop right here. I just needed to say it once, for the record. I bet whoever reads this can imagine what it did to me, how badly I hurt. I cried over it all night, I never felt that drained and numb ever before.

I am also slightly mad. Not because AD was a jerk. He really wasn't. Not when he was with me. Memories have been coming back of what he did to me - and all of that was good. I still kinda can't believe that he really played me that badly. But by this, he not only took our future, he also took our past. He spoiled it. Every memory I have, now it's all like "well, was that really genuine?".

I've decided to answer this question with a "Yes". He's done so much for me, he's seriously looked out for me, and he's changed me - for the better. I don't know what happened that he decided to turn from me the way he did, I have no idea why he chose to become an asshole in the end - but throughout the whole time that we were together, he's really been a good guy. Genuine. Protective. Had my best interest in mind. Whatever changed - I am not going to let it change my memories. And even more so: I am not going to stop my development.

Not only am I currently kind of dating E - though not really dating, but well *grins shyly* - but I am also chatting with a Dom on IRC, GiN. This is really weird, knowing he'll probably read this. But talking with him, and with E, kind of makes me think back of how I was six months ago when I met AD. I was super shy. I couldn't even say something like "I would like you to tie me up, blindfold me and fuck me" - well, to be fair, I struggle with it nowadays too, but I am able to cope. It blows my mind to see who I am becoming - and to get a sense of what I am capable of.

So I've decided to push myself even further. I am not sure if I mentioned it on here before, but I am kind of pushing myself every now and then in harmless situations. Situations that usually would make me uncomfortable - I tackle those now and am always surprised that I come out still standing. And stronger. It's some kind of weird therapy that AD began and that I am now continuing - that is, until the next Dom comes along and will take over, I guess ;-)

There is this one picture of me. It shows me topless in bed. It was a sunday morning, I think, and I had just woken up. AD had texted me. I was in bed, nude, my hair undone, sleepy eyes. And AD told me to take a pic for him. What kind of pic, I asked. "Surprise me." Those were always the times that made me uncomfortable. Surprise me - that means anything. What if he doesn't like what I did? What if he thinks it ugly? Can't he just tell me what to do? That way I would know I please him. - But I guess AD knew that, and that was exactly the point why he always pushed me to surprise him. To make me uncomfortable and grow with it, and because he was curious what I'd come up with. So I got my nipple clamps. And I asked him to give me a number out of 10. - "Seven." (Later on he told me how he loved that I had asked him for a number, because it gave him some control even though I had come up with the clamps by myself) So I adjusted the clamps and took the chain that connects them between my teeth. Looked up in the camera - and took a photo. He loved it. He loved the look on my face - vulnerable and submissive. And I do have to say it's the only nude pic of me that I like. And I remember that morning. I felt good back then. Sexy, even. 

I uploaded it to my Fetlife profile. Set the privacy to friends - for now. It was a huge step. It's always been some kind of hard limit for me - but I am proud that I did it. It's one part of my process of coming to terms with myself. I even got positive feedback - which is all the more weird. One day I will be ready to show it to the Fetlife community. And I am looking forward to that day, because it'll mean that I am comfortable in my skin, period.

There is a lot more drama going on at the moment. But I think I'll spare you, for now. I really needed to get these words off of my chest. I feel free to breathe now again, that's a relief.

Guess I am a true writer after all. As soon as the picture was out there, I needed to write. Now I am somewhat at peace.

xoxo

Kiwi