Hall of Shame

I don't really want to post this, but I feel that I have to. So I am just going to.

My ED is really really bad right now. Like, really really bad. Completely out of control. And I have no idea how to get it back to how it was.

I've never purged. Whenever I had bulimia-like binges, I resisted the urge. I can recall one time when I knelt in front of my toilet and tried to, but couldn't. There are two reasons for why I never purged. On the one hand, it doesn't help much. Most of the calories are by then somehow in your system already, so that you just get rid of what's inside of your stomach. It's also extremely unhealthy and ruins your body and your oesophagus. The other reason - which is the more important one, because let's be honest, we're talking about being mentally fucked up here, who cares about health and reason then?! - is that I binge to punish myself. It's a lot more twisted than that, but it's basically some sort of punishment.

Long story short: I am so out of control that I knelt in front of my toilet again last week. I couldn't vomit, it just didn't work. Bulimics have more practice than I do. That's how bad it is.

I drink lots of black coffee. Because it's a natural laxative. I googled laxatives. I didn't buy any. Yet.

I'm super ashamed of how bad it is again. It's really fucking with me right now. One second I feel good, the next I don't. It's just ... so very much out of my control.

I'm a hopeless romantic with a dirty mind

What is it about this BDSM lifestyle that makes people smooch my cheek and tell me how cute and innocently naive it is that I wanna be monogamous with someone?

Is it so weird that I want someone to take an interest in me - and not just my submission?

Is it so weird that I want someone to sweep me off my feet, make me feel loved and like a princess - before he fucks my brains out?

Yes. I'm a naively romantic bitch. It may even be childish. But how come that in vanilla world you fall in love, and here you get collared? If even that. Why can't we have both? Why is it hard to find a boyfriend, but have multiple people wanting to be your owner?

I love to play. I love how open most people in this lifestyle are. But why must we discuss kink before anything else?

Yes. I'm a naively romantic bitch. But I wanna wake up to good morning texts and close my eyes to goodnight ones. I want some innocence in between plugs and crops and blowjobs.

Why is kink always the center of attention? I want someone to make me happy. And happily fuck me to heaven then.

I want someone to make me unspeakably blissful before he does the unspeakable to me.

I want someone to fight for me as a girl - before he fights for me as a sub.

Is that so much to ask for? Am I entering the wrong lifestyle for that? Am I the only naively romantic chick out there?

An update

Hello world,

it's been a while. It's been a while indeed. And I somehow managed to cope without blogging - and I did not go nuts. At least I don't think so. But I have some spare time on my hands - because I am at work and there's nothing to do and the colleague I share my office with is not here today. So it's time for a little update.

What have I been up to? Uhm. Well. Nothing much, actually. Though I have been to my third munch and through people there have been introduced to two more munches which take place on a weekly basis. Actually, I am headed to one of those after work tonight. A warm hug to my very own stalker who was bored enough to actually read my blog :D (And yet, she's not managed to watch the latest Sherlock episode!) It feels weird knowing that someone I know in real life read through these private ramblings - but then again, it was bound to happen at some point in time, considering that I have it linked to my FetLife profile and am now getting in touch with my local scene.

So. That's what I am enjoying at the moment - exploring kink, meeting people, learning, experiencing. Playing.

I did mention my date with T, did I not? Well. We've had four dates so far, things are going slow. Which is alright, I guess. He's busy with work and his PhD, and I get that. Yet I am not someone who can handle this uncertainty all too well, so I told myself that I'd wait till the end of February (when his PhD exam is over) and if by then he hasn't made up his mind if he's in for something serious or not, then I'll end this. Not saying that I need a declaration of love or whatever - but I'd like to know if he even considers something relationship-ish or can imagine that. This whole two-hour-date-thingy is starting to upset me. And I am not going to wait for him forever. Either he wants to really get to know me - and that means really spend time with me - or he does not.

I'm not sure if I mentioned it before, but T and I don't really match kink-wise. Which I saw as a huge downfall in the beginning. Now I'm not that sure anymore. Because I'm still so new to everything and it does me good to be pushed out of my comfort zone and be confronted with things I wouldn't have thought I might be into. I am starting to be curious about kinks I wouldn't even have considered before. The one surprising me the most is pet play. I remember when T told me that he was into that, I was kinda like "wtf?" and thought it super weird. But I did some research, and the more I read, the more curious I am. So, as it happens, it's T's birthday next week, and even though he doesn't want me to, I got him a present. He doesn't know what it is yet. It needed to be something personal, and what's more personal than kink? So: I am going to try pet play for him. I'm really excited! I got this cat mask, a collar, a leash and a plug tail. Together with some nice lace gloves and garters, this is really something I am looking forward to! I have the attitude of a cat, hihi. If you're not nice to me, I will curl up, turning my back to you, being such a tease with the plug tail - but don't you dare get near me then. I'll claw you, hissing. - This is going to be fun. And my mantra is "spoil the kitten!" - I stumbled across collars with bows and bells and lace and oh-my-god-that's-so-cute!

So I'm really glad that I kind of was forced to deal with that topic. I also would have thought I'd be more sensitive in regard to humiliation than I actually seem to be. We'll see where I'll end up. And to think that AD saw that potential in me all along and did the ground work ... I wish I could thank him. And then kick his balls for leaving me like that ;-)

This is probably also going to be the last post in a while. The institute I work for as a student assistant is designing a new website and I am responsible for the English translations. Huge responsibility! But instead of working 19 hours per week, from mid-February on I will have to work 31 hours per week. That surely is going to be touch and time-intensive.

Oh, and I picked up playing Basketball again. Just to mention it. I suck at it, though. I need practice!

Anyways.

xoxo

Kiwi

Let me be weak

I'd like to think I'm a rather strong girl. That I found my way through a lot of darkness, survived, kept my head up high. 

But there are other times. 

Times when I just want to fall to pieces. And have someone by my side pick me up again. Someone who knows the right order of this jigsaw, who knows what belongs in the picture and what doesn't. 

I want to let myself fall again, close my eyes and just let go - knowing that there's someone who'll catch me. Who'll wrap his arms around me and show me it'll be alright. That I'll be fine. 

Someone who lets me fall apart and builds me up again. Someone who helps me break into a thousand little splinters because he knows it's what I need. But who doesn't forget I also need him to fix me again, glue it all together - coming out stronger than I was. 

I need to trust someone that much again. 

I'd like to think I'm a rather strong girl. But I really need to be weak right now. 

I got Sherlocked

Date!

Hello world,

I'm super excited! I have a date on Sunday!
He messaged me on FetLife about a month ago. In the beginning, I didn't really like him at all - he seemed odd. And we had some communication problems because ... well, I guess my definition of some words (and connotations, sometimes) don't meet his. But I'm glad we got past that.
I'm still not sure we'll match kink-wise. He is into humiliation and pet play - I am not a pet (yet I said I'd try that and I will, I mean, in the end you never know - a lot of stuff I'm into now wouldn't have occurred to me a few months ago) and I'm very touchy when it comes to humiliation due to my past. But he said he doesn't wanna 'break' me or not do me any good - and by now I trust him on thatWe've been planning to meet for like three weeks now but never got the chance. First he was sick, then his car broke, then I was sick. I still am - but I hope that by Sunday I will be fine. Gosh, I'm so freaking nervous! I've decided on what to wear yesterday and that kinda calms me down. It'll be a black fake leather fringed skirt with a red top (that's got a thin fake leather collar and thus matches the skirt perfectly), and a pantyhose that's ... hm. How to describe that? It's black up to shortly over the knee and then the design changes and it looks like garters with bows, but it's still a pantyhose. It's something in between sexy and cute. My knee-length heeled boots will go well with it :) and to top it all of, I'll wear my red coat. I actually think that's about as good as I can do ...

I just wish I hadn't gained so much weight. Since AD left, I've been spiraling, unable to control my eating. I'm still far from healthy - probably even further away than before, but I care about myself again. I gained 9 fucking kilogram! I can't have that.
I've not been eating since Sunday. I know it's not healthy. But I need to drop 3 more kg till Sunday. Putting myself under a lot of pressure, I know ... But I really want him to like me. I mean, I know he likes my personality already, and he's been attracted to my pictures on FetLife - but those only show my face or max my upper body. You don't see my belly or my hips or my legs or any of that ... Especially not now that I've gained so fucking much!
So ... I've never really gone without eating for that long, to be honest. I was a little dizzy this morning, but not worryingly so. I've had a grande nonfat latte this morning - but I think that's about as much as I'll have today. I can't help but feel a bit proud about Tuesday. I was already at the store, binge-mode fully on - when I fought the binge. I've never ever fought a binge before. It makes me hope I can actually do this!

But enough of me talking about my issues that can't be fixed anyways. I mean, I'm fully aware that I'm not anywhere near healthy right now - yet I don't wanna change that. Not until the scale plays nice again. I've come so far the past year - I can't have two months of spiraling take that from me.

And ... This may be my last chance to ... Give in to my ED. Once I have a new Dom, I won't be allowed to let it take over control, I'm pretty sure of that.

Super excited hugs and kisses
xoxo
Kiwi

Very briefly: Feeling better

Not eating. Feels good. Scares me - but I am giving me some slack till next Monday. I've decided to get back to living healthily then. I know I can do it.

I have a date on Sunday. I'm so excited!

More soon - once I find the time and feel the urge to write again. Right now, even though I'm not coping too well, I feel like I can sort it out in my head or with friends and don't necessarily have to put it down here.