Hall of Shame

I don't really want to post this, but I feel that I have to. So I am just going to.

My ED is really really bad right now. Like, really really bad. Completely out of control. And I have no idea how to get it back to how it was.

I've never purged. Whenever I had bulimia-like binges, I resisted the urge. I can recall one time when I knelt in front of my toilet and tried to, but couldn't. There are two reasons for why I never purged. On the one hand, it doesn't help much. Most of the calories are by then somehow in your system already, so that you just get rid of what's inside of your stomach. It's also extremely unhealthy and ruins your body and your oesophagus. The other reason - which is the more important one, because let's be honest, we're talking about being mentally fucked up here, who cares about health and reason then?! - is that I binge to punish myself. It's a lot more twisted than that, but it's basically some sort of punishment.

Long story short: I am so out of control that I knelt in front of my toilet again last week. I couldn't vomit, it just didn't work. Bulimics have more practice than I do. That's how bad it is.

I drink lots of black coffee. Because it's a natural laxative. I googled laxatives. I didn't buy any. Yet.

I'm super ashamed of how bad it is again. It's really fucking with me right now. One second I feel good, the next I don't. It's just ... so very much out of my control.