One last glance back

It's unusual to start a new blog with making reference to an old one - but I'll make an excuse here. I'll jump right into it.

The final post on my old blog goes like this:

"Against my better judgement ...

... am I posting here right now. Hello everyone. I hope you're well.

I have been gone for the last years - I have been getting better. On my own. I finally got my shit together, and I am currently learning a lot about myself.

Part of that process was me breaking up with my long-term boyfriend. I am single now - and that comes with a lot of pressure. It triggered my ED. It was back. I am currently fighting it again. But I'm not alone. I have someone by my side who is endlessly supportive. Who reads me, gets me. Who's there for me. Who demands me to be 100% open with Him - and guess what, I am. I don't know if one single person has ever known so much about me in my entire life. There are a lot of people out there who know this and that. One knows about my feelings. The other about my ED. Another about my academic whatsoever. - But not all of this knowledge in one person. I've never trusted someone so much in my entire life - not even my ex boyfriend, weird enough.

He knows it all. And He will make me delete this account. So that I'll never look back. I guess I need this post for some kind of closure. I'd like to say Goodbye to you guys. You've helped me on my way to become the person I am now, and I hope you're doing OK. I've read a couple of your blogs, only briefly, before He made me stop. Nasimiyu, if you read this, know that I'm forever happy for you that you're engaged! I wish you all the luck in the world with your marriage! And the dress you have picked is one of the most beautiful wedding dresses I've ever seen!

I won't mention all of you now. I won't get into this any deeper. I won't talk about food or weight or numbers on a scale that don't say shit. Tell you what - today I danced nude. And I didn't mind. I enjoyed the moment. We all should have more of this feeling. I'm trying. One thing I've definitely learned in the past couple of weeks is that, even though you may think your ED is gone for good, it's not. It's always there, this ugly voice in the back of your mind. This voice that yells tiny, worthless piece of shit in your face. This ED is nothing to just 'overcome'. I'll have to accept that it'll always be a part of my mind, and that it sometimes will be more and sometimes less present. I'll have to learn that it doesn't determine who I am. As He said: concentrate on the victories. Not on the failure.

In the end, I'll be succeeding. I know that. There's just no other option. I've read my blog posts - I don't want to become that person again. Ever. I rather want to be more like the girl who danced nude in the kitchen today, cooking. Tuna-pasta salad for dinner. Fuck the carbs. Enjoy life =)

So: Kiwi on her way to the good life, that's this blog's title. Guess I'm finally on my way. No. Tell you what. I'm already there. Life starts now - it doesn't start once I've reached a freaking number. It's started long ago and I'll approach it. Now. :-)"

Three Days Grace - Life Stars Now - MyVideo

I am moving on. Once and for all. I've stopped trying to wake up one day, a new person. One who's not carrying a shitload of weight on her shoulders, who's not had tough times and flaws. That's not gonna happen. But tell you what - I don't care anymore. The past is not my flaw anymore, it's what's gotten me here.

So. I changed the title of my blog. It's not "Kiwi on her Way to the Good Life" - it's "Kiwi and the Good Life". Because I'm already there, and it'll be what I'll make of it.