just quickly wanted to say Hello. Had a pretty awesome day. It started off lazy, then took up some pace (or, rather, my heartbeat took up some pace), and then it was lazy again.
I got to talk to AD at midday - that was great. Especially since He played with me. And pushed me. Quite much. But I still did as I was told, and I pleased Him. It's such a great feeling to know He's happy with me. I can't quite put it into words <3
I am also glad that I had the courage today to tell Him when it was getting to a point I wasn't completely sure I'd be comfortable with. It was something I had told Him I wanted to try - so He knew it was something I wanted. But just before He made me do it today, I got scared, and I asked if we could put it off till I could hear his voice and really feel his presence instead of just texting and knowing He's watching me. He agreed - and now I am looking forward to trying it some other day when we're actually talking and I can hear Him. - He said He was pleased that I asked, too. I am all sunshine in that regard and I can't stop smiling :)
Actually, the funniest part of blogging is browsing through all these awesome GIFs and choosing from them. Hihi.
So ... after pleasing AD (*smiles*) I went to my father's. We were having a barbecue - God, I ate sooooooo much. I try not to think of it. But damn, it was much! I'm tempted to not eat tomorrow ... But. I will be a good girl and I'll eat. It'll probably just be something light, like watermelon and apples, maybe a cup of milk, or some banana milk - but I will eat. That'll really be a struggle.
What was not so great about my day ... was my father. And his comments. I feel like he constantly needs to put me down, to make me small, to lessen my value. I don't remember the context, but he was like "condition? Her?" - yeah, thanks, Dad. As if I wasn't struggling enough. I know I'm not athletic. But tell you what - you're not either! So fuck off!
But, funny, it got better! He was criticizing the way I trained my dog. Findus needs to learn to stay at home alone - and I talked to a lot of dog coaches, and they all advised me to get a crate, lock him up, and train him like that. So that's what I am doing. It's also important that I try to cut myself loose and not be too close to him, that he doesn't cuddle with me at night and that I don't give him my attention all of the time. So that's what I'm doing, too. When I walk him, my attention is all his - but at home, I ignore him. My Dad doesn't know shit about training dogs. But he still felt like he needed to say something. So he said how mean it was to deprive Findus of love. And that this shouldn't be something one does, that love should be given at any time. And that he did not have had many ground rules in raising us, but that love deprivation was never a method he used. And I really had to swallow my shock and my coughs. You can't deprive a fucking shit that's not fucking there! God, that makes me mad! He did not give me the feeling of being loved at all. It was a constant competition, earn his attention, earn his approval - and get his disapproval most of the time. I can remember ONE SINGLE hug in my entire childhood - and that was only because I threw myself into his fucking arms when I was crying.
Actually, the only time I heard him say that he was proud of me was a couple of months ago - at the age of 22. When I got my new job. It was the one and only time that he actually said "I am proud of you", that I felt accepted and like something of value. I nearly dropped my phone in shock back then. What I heard constantly was how I wasn't good enough, how I was worth nothing. My favorite line of my childhood? The one that'll always be stuck in my head, that I'll always have to fight. "You're worth less than a roach." If you wanna screw up your children, tell them that at the age of 12. Believe me, they'll never overcome it, it'll always be with them, deep down at the bottom of their heart they'll always know "you're worth less than a roach". Lovely, huh?
But. I will not concentrate on that. I will not let this drag me down. I will live my life and be happy and make the upmost of it. I will look at these penguins and smile.
Apart from these comments which I tried very hard to ignore - was it a lazy Sunday. It was freaking hot, so I lay in my brother's hammock and enjoyed the afternoon. And evening. Until the sun set. And I had to walk home through the pitchblack forest. It was fun, though. And I can't think of anything more relaxing and ... positive than lying in that hammock, feeling the sun, a fresh breeze, look up at the blue sky, listen to some music ... God. That was awesome. I'm tempted to go there again <3
So. I had a really good weekend. - How about you?
xoxo
Kiwi
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