Who's that special Someone?

Hello world,

I've mentioned Him briefly, I've talked to Him now; I didn't feel like it was okay to blog about Him without His consent, and He's given it. So now I'm happy to introduce that very special person: AD.

What can I say? This is even trickier than introducing myself. Let's start simple: He is my Dom - online Dom, that is. Partly because He lives in freaking Australia (not that I'd mind a move - Australia is a pretty cool country, after all :D), but mostly because He's married. I am not gonna go into detail, I've had enough hours spent on bad conscience and guilt and feeling like 'the other woman', so I'm just stopping right here, right there. I needed to say it once, it's said, it won't change and I'm going to focus on something else.

Namely on what an amazing person He is. We got to know in a chatroom (#sub/Dom) and it was just some casual, light-hearted chat. I was very new to D/s, I didn't know a thing, I was still with my ex-boyfriend and I wanted to find out if there was a way to turn him into a Dominant. Long story short: There isn't. So AD and I started texting without some second thoughts or something; He was fun, He was genuine, He was supportive, and He described all sorts of scenarios for me and kept asking, almost to the point of annoyance, how I felt about this or that being done with or to me - and that taught me a great deal about myself. About who I am and what kind of sub I am. 

But it was more than that - He got me. Up to the point where now, round about 2 months after chatting for the first time, when I write "fine" He can tell if it's the "I'm really fine", the "I think I'm okay", the "passive aggressive fine" or the "no I'm not, but I don't wanna tell fine" is. It's almost scary. Another thing that scares me is the complete openness He demands from me (and that He shares with me in return, just for the record. Well, after a tiny 'somewhat of a confession' *winks at Him*). Once He notices there's something on my mind, He makes me tell Him. He doesn't do so recklessly or thoughtlessly, though. After I told Him something I was really uncomfortable with, He said, among other things, that He had weighed my discomfort against his wish to know and had decided that He really wanted to know anyway and that this was more important than me being highly uncomfortable with telling. - This may sound weird, given it's out of context, but ... that was like the biggest comfort He could've given me. And whatever it is that I tell him, His reaction takes me always off guard. For example, a couple of days ago, when I had not been good around food and had forced myself to inform Him that I had not been eating the past two days, I was prepared for His anger. I was prepared for a stern talk, for a "you're going to report everything that you eat to me, do you understand?" or a "get up now, go to your kitchen - what food do you have?" and a "eat up!" - I was not prepared for support, understanding, affection, worry. I was not prepared for the "what can I do that makes it easier for you?" that came. Neither for anything else that followed. 

I don't know why He picked me. Why He risks his marriage for stupid little me. Why He wastes so much time on me, so much thought. I just know that I am forever grateful that He does. He keeps telling me I deserve better, that I deserve a full-time Dom, someone who can offer me as much as I, well, deserve. But I don't think I deserve as much as I get from Him. Of course, I'd be lying if I told you I wouldn't wish it to be more, wouldn't wish to actually feel his arms around me, to actually be with Him. It hurts. But I'm grateful for what I've got.

I try to go on with my life. I try to meet new people - but there's a part of me doubting that someone can just walk along and get me the same way He does. It's weird, isn't it?

But He makes me laugh. He makes me feel things that I've never felt before - D/s-wise, mostly. I discover a lot lately. I remember two months ago when I was asked if I liked the idea of having someone hold me like that, lock me in place, hold my throat - if it aroused me. And I said it didn't. I thought it was weird. - That's changed. To the point where I'm very careful now to say "I'm not into that" - because maybe I just don't trust enough yet or haven't had the right experiences to be ready for it. The thought of locking me in place like that ... well. I do trust Him.

I will bite my tongue now and stop. I said enough already ;-)

xoxo

Kiwi