Dear Sam,

Thank you for your comment :) It's great to know you're sticking around! I don't know - have you seen my answer to your last comment?

i hope you know what you are doing with your D/s relationship. i will just say this once, as i hope that you are being careful. i only say this out of love and nothing else, of course. i also hope that you smile more these days. i find that if you think that this is right, then by all means, go for it. but do not be blind to the consequences. i wish you good luck on it, and every other aspect of your life.

Thank you for your concern! I really appreciate that. I can only imagine what D/s must look like from the outside. And: yes, I am sure. It's probably not the least what you think it's like at all. I was having prejudices myself - I got to know a lot about it because I was researching for an article I wrote for a magazine on BDSM. It was scary. These people told me about pain, and cuffs, and breath play and whatnot. I was like 'what the fuck is wrong with them?!' It also felt like the sub was giving herself (or himself) up just to please the Dom, giving up who she was and what she wanted. - That is not the case. I can only say what it's like with AD ...

I'm not sure how He'll feel about me saying this, but: I'd trust Him with my life right now. He takes care of me. He looks out for me. He is gentle. He makes sure I sleep and eat enough, I have social plans, I am well. He makes me laugh and smile and deal with issues that I have. He supports me. He pushes me to solve conflicts that I have. He encourages me to do things I may be too shy otherwise. He knows me. Everything about me. There is no hiding, He needs me to be open with Him, to tell Him everything. I can feel myself making progress. D/s is not just about sex (well, unless you limit it to the bedroom only, but then I wouldn't be a sub, I'd be a Bottom, and He'd be a Top). It's about - bettering the sub. She sets the limits. If it's done properly, the Dom watches her closely, knows her, only does what pleases her - in theory. Yes, there is punishment. That was the part I struggled with most. The part I couldn't wrap my head around. Why would He want to punish me? - But now I understand. And I feel that punishment is needed. Actually, that I need it, that I want it. That if I screw up, if I'm disrespectful - that I want Him to remind me where my place is. I have decided to submit - and that decision must come from a position of strength or it'd be abuse. I saw that He was worth my submission, that I could trust Him with everything, that He'd never judge me or hurt me intentionally or not have my best interest in mind.

And then, well, you can't deny the sexual dimension of this. Yes, I like that as well. I like being tied up. I like being blindfolded. I like some soft pain play. - But especially here, when it's about pleasure, His pleasure is my pleasure. He likes being in control because I like to hand control over to Him. He likes using nipple clamps because I enjoy the pain. And I enjoy that He decides what level of pain He inflicts on me. Is it a 7 out of 10? Or a 3? Or even ... a twelve out of 10? - But even then it's not set in stone. He pushes me - and watches me closely. How do I cope? Am I okay? Am I safe? Do I like it? It's not that He is in control and just sticks to His script and does whatever He wants to do. That's not how it's like at all.

I like how I am developing. I like knowing what He wants of me. For example, He wants me to be comfortable with accepting compliments. That's not a bad thing, is it? So every time someone compliments me, I swallow the urge to argue against it, and say 'thank you' (most of the times). I like exploring my limits, I like developing, I like getting more comfortable with myself. So far, all He's done with and to me was for my own good, helped me.

I remember asking Him in the beginning what He was into. What did a potential sub need to have to attract Him? Sexually? - And He answered that there was not one fantasy. That it all depended on the sub. What she wanted, how far she was comfortable going, what she'd already experienced and what not. Of course, you have to match sexually, just as you have to click personality-wise. If the Dom is into pain play and humiliation, and the sub can't stand that - it just won't work. Or if the Dom is sadistic and the sub not masochistic. Things like that. But within your kink, the question of how far you go is answered by the sub, somehow.

- I'm sure I didn't explain it correctly. It really is hard to find the words. What I love about it is the power dynamic. Seeing how two people interact with each other.

Oh, and AD doesn't want to change me. I am a smartass. I am cheeky. I talk back sometimes - but He cherishes my cheekiness, my wit, my personality. - It's safe to say that I have never trusted anyone as much as I trust Him right now.

hearing you talk about that film, i.e. Dirty Dancing made me smile. i love seeing parts of you i never have before.

There's so much about me that my ED suppressed. I am curious what I'll end up blogging about. Will this be about submission? About my studies? About everyday life? I am not "Kiwi, the ED'ed girl" anymore, I am Kiwi, the girl who likes this and this and this. That's a great thing, isn't it? :)

eat well, love. you deserve to nourish your body. it has done nothing wrong and it does not deserve to be harmed as a result. that's one thing you have to remember. your body does not deserve this punishment of not eating.

Thank you so much for your words! You're absolutely right. And I am eating well at the moment, it comes natural. I do keep track of what I eat, and I do still want to drop weight - but I am doing so healthily. And slowly. I am eating what I feel like eating, I don't cut short on anything. It feels good to eat healthily, but not ... paying too much attention. No obsession.

i remember that comment. and it's not true. 
i find with stuff like this, the only thing you can do - because i've had my share is to let them go. not for them, but for you. you don't deserve to hear that over in your head. i find that the more you purge your heart from those things, the more you can fill it with good things. 

Thanks again. You're right - again. But it's easier said than done. It still determines so much about who I am. And especially when I'm talking to a Dom, someone who'll have to understand every aspect of me, who'll have to see a flicker in my eye and know what caused it - I need to mention it. I grew up in a home like that. It'll always influence who I am. But I can stop believing it. And I will. Eventually. I have strong and I have weak moments. - But the strong ones outnumber the weak ones by far these days. So I guess I am on a good way.

Please do tell me, Sam - is your blog trigger-free? I'd love to catch up with you - but I am not allowed if it could trigger my ED.

Looking forward to hearing from you! Hope you're well! I love you, I hope you know that <3

xoxo

Kiwi