Where to start?

I've had a tall Starbucks Nonfat Caffe Latte on Monday, and two glasses of smoothie yesterday. - And the worst of all: I am proud. I've proven that I can still do it. That I can still fast and don't need food.

I've been recently listening to R.E.M. and there's this one song I love: "Try not to breathe". And there is a line I love especially: 'I will try not to breathe, this decision is mine.'

Well. I guess you see the connection.

I'm at the point where it feels like my blood runs cold through my veins. It's one of the most unpleasant, scariest feelings I know - freezing, shivering, and no way of warming up. The cold comes from within. I've always dreaded this feeling. - Now I almost welcome it. It worries me. And it's always fascinated me how quick the body works - two days of hardly any calorie intake and immediately my body reacts.

I know I have to put a stop to this. The thing is just that I can't.

I've had a caffe latte this morning. And I packed cereal for lunch. And I have potato soup at home that'll go to waste if I don't eat it rather sooner than later. But if I do ... that cold will be gone. And I know I'll miss it. I ... Don't want it to go.

- Sick, isn't it? Pathetic.

I honestly had thought that I'd be done with this. That I got a grip of it months, years ago - and that I would never be unreasonable enough to fall for that voice again.

The most pathetic thing is, though, that I don't even think I am worthless. That I don't define myself by calorie intake or weight even. I start to appreciate my body and my self. I dress up. I used to just pick a shirt and jeans and sneakers or Chucks more likely, and head out, not wasting a second thought on my outfit. Now I put some consideration into it. What goes with what? Which shoes? And especially: I mostly wear heels these days. I do my hair. I look in the mirror and think 'not bad'. Sometimes I even smile at myself. Sometimes that smile is accompanied by a 'you look beautiful'.

Noticed how it's a 'you look beautiful' and not a 'you are beautiful'? - I am not there. Yet. But I am rather certain, somehow, that I will get there. AD played a huge part there, though He hardly is around anymore. He is busy at work - I hope it'll get better soon. I can feel myself withdraw, building up walls. When I got collared, something strange happened. I ... relied upon someone. Not just to the point that you rely upon the person you are with, or friends. It's more than that. I handed over control - and I struggle to take it back now. There were days when He picked my underwear - and I loved that. Pleasing Him, having Him make a small decision for me. But also having someone to turn to when it's just too much for me to handle.

(Gosh, I am so cold.)

It's almost like learning again how to function and be an adult. Not that I can't do it - I know I can. It's just ... Reluctance. It was a huge step trusting someone to hand over control, and taking it back now feels wrong. Especially when I struggle so much already.

But then again: I have to function on my own. I am a big girl, I fucking can pick my underwear for myself ... I just wish I didn't have to.

Worst of all: I can't tell AD that I am getting worse again. On the one hand because I am already too deep involved - that stupid voice inside my head is already loud enough to keep my mouth shut because it knows He'd tell me to eat. Actually, He is the only one who could make me eat just like that right now. And that's why I can't tell Him. But also because I don't want to bother Him. I know I shouldn't worry about this - but I don't want to make Him worry. And I do not want to let Him see ... how dependent I am right now. And something else plays into that feeling, too: my withdrawal. That I am kinda preparing myself to be good to go on my own again. And telling Him followed by probably having Him decide on what I eat (or that I eat, to start with) - well. Only makes me fall faster when He's gone again. - It's not that I am lying to Him, I would never to that. But I cannot raise the issue myself. I just can't.

But enough of that. I hope I'll be able to have cereal for lunch. I will help my brother move tomorrow, and I am already scared there'll be food. But that's tomorrow. I need to tell myself that it's tomorrow and not eating today won't help with tomorrow's struggles.

But who am I kidding?

xoxo

Kiwi