I am starving

I am so hungry.

Yesterday someone told me how I was 'lüstern'. It's a weird German word that's really out of use, if you look it up in a dictionary, it gives you 'voluptuous', 'lustful', 'lecherous' as possible translations. You'd use that word describing a pedophile watching a young girl (I am reading Nabokov's 'Lolita' at the moment - it's bound to be noticed at some point). There is something creepy about the action, something ... dirty, something perverse, and you'd most likely use it in a sexual context. It's got nothing to do with the erotic idea of the male gaze - it's rather when this gaze turns uncomfortable. - It's not a word I would use. Let alone use to describe myself.
I asked him what he meant by it. And he explained. It was the wrong word. But the idea was right.
He said how I was hungry. Hungry for life. For myself. For experiences. For my piece of the cake. For sex. For everything. - And he is right. I am fucking starving.

Doesn't mean I didn't eat. Ha. It's weird using this metaphor, being used to saying 'I am (not) hungry (thank you)/starving' and literally meaning it. What I mean is ... that I'm always looking for more. I don't like to settle. It's what made me break up with my ex. I stopped looking for more. Stopped exploring life. Stopped being curious and waking up each day, wondering what it might hold for me. - I am not unsettled, don't get me wrong. I am quite happy with my life. I wouldn't say it's an unhealthy character trait. It can be. It sure is for my mother. She was never happy with what she got, never appreciated it and was just content with her life. Which made her unhappy. Never allowed her to be grateful for what she's got.
That's not me. I am happy. I take happiness in the little things. Feeling the wind when I ride my bike. The sun on my skin. Enjoying the smell of a summer storm. Feeling music touch something deep down. Laugh. See my dog run over a meadow, or be sound asleep in my arms.
Those are things that make me happy.

But I also love to experience 'more'. To be full of wonder. I would love to play the guitar - but I won't. I couldn't take it if I knew exactly how music works. I just like to feel it. To close my eyes and have it burn deep down to my bone. Feel it rock my body. I write. It sounds arrogant, but I know I write quite well. I know I have a good style, a feeling for words, and that my texts are fluent (in German more so than in English, but I think that's just natural). I know how it all works - alliteration, metaphor, simile. How do use certain words to create certain feelings. How mentioning a smell makes a text so much richer. I like juxtapositions. I can develop a metaphor over several pages, never quite drop it, but enrich it, rather. It's something I am proud of. Something I worked for. I studied for. - But I hate analyzing literature. That's what sucks about studying German literature. You stop closing your eyes and enjoying a sentence. Enjoy the beauty of the words, of the phrase, the idea that it conveys. The meaning that is beyond the letters. I can admire a sentence, a phrase, a word for hours. The beauty of language, simple as that. - And in that case, I don't give a fucking shit about grammar and rhetorical devices. About tone and use of word fields. Pointing these things out, analyzing, characterizing protagonists - it all takes away the beauty. It's explaining the phenomenon rather than enjoying it.
It's like saying a shooting star is a meteor, a space rock falling to earth. Or snow is crystallized water. Or thunder ... Well, you get the idea.

So, yes. I am hungry. Eager to get to know the person that's been locked up inside. Let her come out and play. Let's see what life holds for her. What it'll be like. Let her learn and know and explore and experience and see and feel and taste.

xoxo
Kiwi