Changes

Hello world,

I wonder what's happening. I remember one conversation I had with AD about my self issues and low self esteem. He said He was a guy and therefore well capable of judging if I was gorgeous or not. And I told Him how I was tired of hearing guys on the internet tell me that - because in real life, no one has ever hit on me. Ever. So there must be something wrong with me. And He was seriously confused. I remember Him saying 'Are German guys all nuts?!' He just couldn't understand it. And, to be honest, neither could I. I mean, I do believe that I am not ugly, somewhat average. And to just have not a single guy think me pretty - that's a hard thing to accept. And it made it all the more difficult to deal with my issues and accept the person who's looking back at me in the mirror.
(This is the first time, by the way, that I could remember and write down a conversation I had with AD without bursting into tears. I'm starting to focus on the good things, not the loss.)
Now, all of a sudden, that's changed. I get compliments (and I've learned to accept them and not rationalize them or say something to lessen them), guys look at me - it's a weird feeling. A good weird, though. It's as if I have 'single' tattoo'ed on my forehead - and I guess I do behave differently. I opened up, I talk to and smile at strangers, I am not the introvert that I let myself and my ex make of me. I'm still shy - but I don't let that get in my way.
Why am I writing all of this down? It feels weird to reflect on this so much - but I need to put it into words. I need to remember this. So whenever I question myself, I can read these lines and remember.

Yesterday, at around 1.30am this guy messaged me. We've met when he was collecting money for a charity for animals, and we talked and he was fun and his first name is pronounced the exact way that my last name is pronounced. So we were joking about him being my husband so that he could introduce himself like James Bond, just waaaayy cooler. (Oh gosh, I have to think of Humbert Humbert and that makes it suddenly not so cool anymore xD) I actually didn't think of him as 'dating material' or that he thought of me that way. I just thought he's a nice guy and someone to have fun with. So when he asked, I sent him a picture of my snoopy pajamas telling him I was already ready for bed. But the moment I sent it, I actually ... Well. I actually wanted to go. So I dressed (thanks to a certain someone here who will be reading this, Mr personal stalker :D) and went. But I thought I was joining a group of his friends. It was really cute of him to think of me.
Well. Not a group. Just a woman who turned out to be his mother. - This sounds a lot worse than it was. His mother is really cool. Anyways, it made it a lot more flattering that he thought of me. It wasn't until he paid for my beer that I realized that this was a date.
I messaged a friend of mine that I was at that club and she texted back that she was in the club next door - she joined us then. And when we were in front of the club, we somehow talked about my new haircut and I pulled my hair into a ponytail. And my friend said I should better undo that again, and I did and asked, joking: 'So now I'm not thaaat ugly again, huh?' And she joked back 'not quite that ugly' - and the guy said: 'beautiful.' It was the way he said it, it was ... honest. He took the joke out of it and, well, I got goose bumps. And I couldn't look him in the eye anymore.
We kissed later, on the dance floor. He kisses the same way that he is: soft. Not in a bad way, though. And to every guy out there who may stumble across this: when you kiss a girl, have one hand at the back of her head/neck. Seriously. You have no idea what this does to us. It's not just an amazing feeling when you do it while we kneel in front of you - kiss us like that. Because I honestly forgot where I was and if kissing him was what I wanted originally. It felt good in that moment - and it still makes me smile. And it kept a smile on my lips all the way home.

I should end this post now, saying: We are gonna meet tonight again. And I am excited and nervous and so very much looking forward to it. But there's actually one more thing I need to remember. About guys hitting on me.
I posted something on Facebook in a local group. It was a question whether I could to the elections tomorrow even though I haven't been notified. And this guy answered. And then he answered again: 'check your inbox.' And I did. And he had messaged me how he had checked out my profile and how I seemed nice and if I'd want to go meet for a coffee with him someday. - I will not because I don't think we will match, but it was still quite a nice thing to say. And it made me smile.

So. Now I am gonna end this post. Saying: I really like the person that I am becoming. That I've probably been but haven't let out. Breaking up with my ex was the best thing I could've done, just as dating him was the best thing that could've happened to me 7 years ago.

xoxo
Kiwi