Good morning world,
I had a really good day yesterday. It's about time to have something positive on here again, isn't it? So I thought I'd tell you all about my day! :)
My brother cancelled on me the previous night - I did not have to come help him paint his new apartment, which meant I got the whole day to myself instead of trying to not hear spiteful comments made by my father and my brother about my incapability to do anything properly and whatnot. So that's a plus. It also meant that I got to sleep in. Which I did.
I woke up at 7.30am and - because let's face it, I'm Generation Smartphone - checked my phone, and naturally the first thing I checked was the App that AD and I use for communcation. I know nothing's happening there - but I still check it regularly when I am awake. The App actually supports stalking which is worryingly awesome :D You've got an 'S' next to the message if it was sent, a 'D' if it was delivered, and an 'R' when it's been read. Becaue AD is careful not to get caught, He deletes the App from His phone every time He goes offline. So all my two thousand messages that I sent Him during the day (telling Him how I am, what I am up to, how I am doing, reporting on my diet - let's face it, I'm fucking spamming Him, poor guy) are marked 'S' until He installes the App again.
Now, because I am a woman and therefore change my mind minutely - no, okay, actually because I was wrong ... well, I used to be upset when AD read my messages (and couldn't stay to chat) and didn't leave a reply. It was like 'I sent Him all these texts and it was of no interest for Him because He didn't leave a single message' - and when I told Him, He stopped coming online during His day (when I am asleep) to check on me, and that led to me feeling ... well, even worse. Like He wasn't thinking of me at all, like He didn't care. I was like 'why bother messaging Him when He comes online for a fraction of an hour daily and doesn't think of me when He's offline? What am I to Him? Evening amusement?' (which was highly unfair, and which I know is not true - but I still somehow couldn't keep those thoughts from surfacing on a daily basis. Which gave me the creeps, and Him too, because I was ... being difficult). We talked things over the previous day and He explained that it actually was my comment that it upset me that made Him avoid checking on me.
Long story short: I woke up at 7.30am and checked the App and all my messages were marked 'R' - and I was blisfully happy that He'd thought of me and cared and that I meant something to Him, symbolized by a little letter next to my spam.
But since I could sleep in, I did go back to sleep and woke up at around 12-ish - which was awesome. It got even better, because (still smiling, thinking of the little 'R's) I grabbed 'Lolita' and started reading in bed, cuddling with my dog. He can be such a cuddler sometimes - he crawled under my blanket and snuggled into the space between my legs, nose touching one knee, butt touching the other, all safe and secure and warm.
At around 1pm I got up. After having the rest of the smoothie for brekky, I started on cleaning the kitchen. Just as my fingers entered the soapy water, AD texted me. He'd ducked into the bathroom because He and His wife were at a restaurant with friends, so He just wanted to let me know He couldn't chat. 'I know this will disappoint you, but I can't stay', He said. Which is actually not true. Well, of course I was sad we didn't get to talk, I do miss Him after all and we've been having so fucking little time these past weeks (8th September - last time I heard His voice. Big sigh.) and, well, honestly - I miss Him playing with me, telling me what to do, having Him watch me do it and enjoying me and having His way with me, and, well, basically being His, His sub, His good girl. I miss feeling His collar tighten, hearing His voice become all husky. - He's also got a Dom voice, one that commands me, that frees me from second thoughts, that makes me do things I'd never dreamed I'd ever do. I miss the deep trust I feel when He's having His way with me, giving up control completely and still feeling all safe. I miss Him feeling when I hesitate, when I overthink too much, when I am reluctant and can't do what I actually want to do because shyness or self-awareness kicks in - and hearing Him tell me 'don't think , just do'.
I just miss Him. A lot.
But I wasn't disappointed, at least not in the way He thought I was. Because He thought of me. He cared. He sneaked into the bathroom, read my messages and let me know He couldn't stay. Real life interferes, it happens - but He cared for me!
I'm always in between feeling pretty and sometimes sexy even and being self-reliant and confident and knowing He cares for me a lot - and being the exact opposite. I'm not easy to be around, I know that. I need a lot of reassurance and encouragement. So after a few days of little contact and no comment slightly related to that issue, I start having doubts, start thinking I'm worthless and why should He bother with me, and that I was just a little stupid German girl He had fun with while it lasted and now that life got busy can easily be dropped. Which is both highly unfair in His and my regard. Because I am not just a little stupid German girl - I am actually worth something. And I'm smart and witty and sarcastic and a wordie and interesting and not-ugly and fun to be around (most of the time). And He is not someone who toys with me, He is genuine and cares and would never use me. He's proven that over the past couple of months quite a few times, and it's just not fair of my fucked up mind to jump to this conclusion. I need to stop with that.
Anyway. So I wasn't disappointed, I was smiling and having a good time and floating because He thought of me.
I then walked my dog in the park and trained him a bit - basically making a fool of myself. The sky was a clear blue, not a single cloud in sight, and the sun was shining, and the temperature was just in between T-shirt and longsleeve. So naturally there were a lot of people sitting on park benches, enjoying the weather. - And I stood in the middle of the meadow, telling Findus to sit or lay down or jump or whatever, stay put, and dance around him, or throw things in the air, or clap, or hide things in the bushes that he needed to find. - The old ladies all around the meadow found quite some amusement in me.
And in the evening I went to the movies with a friend I graduated with. We haven't been seeing each other in three years, and it was both great to catch up with her and awkward because we were not really close anymore and run out of small talk topics every other minute. After the 'what are you up to?', 'I work as ...', and 'how's [insert random classmate's name here]?' it was ... well, awkward. She'll be flying to South Africa next month, but we said we'd meet again before that. Rekindle the friendship at least a little bit (and she's still got some of my books I borrowed her, and yes, I am a book-bitch, I want them back!!! (especially since one is signed by the author and happens to be one of my favorite books)).
Awesome news: My dog stayed home alone for almost 6 hours. I am free again! I can live my life! Such a great feeling :) To be fair, he didn't know I was gone. I trick him - I leave him in his crate in my bedroom, turn on the music, close the door - and duck out as quiet as possible. But that's fine, because the outcome is that he's sound asleep and I am free ;-)
So. Let's see what Friday holds for me! Have a great one, guys!
xoxo
Kiwi
Keine Kommentare:
Kommentar veröffentlichen