Tattoomania

Hello world,

it's been a while. In my head, there are three post ideas forming and tonight I am going to tackle one of those.

Tomorrow I hopefully will be able to make the appointment for my first tattoo. (See here what it looks like, and here why I want to get it.) I am excited.

Today I came up with an idea for a second tattoo already. I mean, people say it's addictive - but I always shook my head at them. I will not end up being covered in ink. And I would not have thought that I'd ever consider a second tattoo. But I do. This is what it looks like:

LP - Linkin Park

I won't get it on the inside of my wrist, though. That's where wordie is going to be. And it's too prominent a position. I was thinking of the back of my neck. When AD and I discussed the other tattoo, that was where I initially wanted to put it. And LP is going to look lovely there. Plus, it's completely coverable by my hair.

I never wanted to be the girl with a band tattoo. It's crossed my mind a few times already, I've always admired people who got this band logo somewhere on their body (and trust me, there are quite a few who got that tattoo). But it's not unique. I never seriously considered it.

Now that's changed. Because it won't be my first tattoo.

And to me, it's not just a band. Linkin Park is so much more. Their first album was released in 2000. I was 8 years old. I am not sure if it was 2000 or 2001 that I first stumbled across their song Crawling.

I remember that it was my brother's CD (I still wonder how he could have listened to some pretty good music like Linkin Park and Limp Bizkit back then and now listens to the worst trashy shit there is). I remember running to him, begging him to play "that song with the water running down the sink" again. I remember listening to One Step Closer, but because I didn't speak any English, I sang "and I'm abbata Bray!" instead of "and I'm about to break". I had a huge crush on the character (and actor) Bray in the TV series The Tribe. I remember going to the gym hall of my kindergarten and - being all alone, all the other kids playing outside - turning up Hybrid Theory, full volume, head banging and letting out all the emotions that were locked up inside of me. I can still see the room - it's a very vivid memory. 

It's been my favorite band ever since. Whenever someone asked me what music I listen to - that was my first response. Even when I listened to charts or other bands on repeat, I always came back to Linkin Park. 

I literally grew up with them. And matured with them. Hybrid Theory is so full of anger, so full of "I hate my parents" - or at least it is for me. Meteora is just the same, full of "society doesn't get me", full of "I'm all alone". When I lost my best friend in middle school, I listened to Numb. 

Linkin Park saved my life.

It sounds weird saying this - but it's 100% true. When I was 13, 14, 15 years old, I was so full of anger and despair. My father hit me, my brother hated me and I hated him, my father never showed any sign of affection for me, my mother wasn't there and when I was with her it was more of an obligation. No one got me. No one was there for me. I didn't really have friends, I was a loner. I was the weird kid. I had so many issues. I hung out with older teens that were drinking heavily and doing drugs, punks, emos - that's how I spent my time. I never smoked, never did drugs. Even among my friends (though they were no real friends because you never talked about serious things) I stood out.

I was thinking about suicide. Whenever my father raised his hand, I was considering it. I locked up in my room, cried my eyes out, listened to Linkin Park. Thinking I'm about to break. Or I don't know what you're expecting of me, put under the pressure of walking in your shoes. Every step that I take is another mistake to you.

I had a huge crush on Chester Bennington, of course. I googled him (and was devastated to see he was married) and read his bio on wikipedia. It's weird - I just reread it and it's changed completely. The most important paragraph is missing, at least on the German wikipedia page. But I very much remember what it was about. Chester lived with his father who neglected him, felt like his mother let him down (I think you see the parallels). He was sexually abused and ended up as a drug addict. His best friend died of heroine. Chester was with him when he died. After that, he turned his life around and stopped doing drugs.

I remember thinking: Wow, his life is fucked up. Like seriously messed up. But look at him. Look at his talent, at what he's created, at his success. And I pulled my strength from that: If Chester Bennington can survive this shit - so can I. After that, my thoughts changed. I was still considering suicide - but almost immediately after these thoughts, there was this voice telling me "just 4 more years to go until you come of age - you can survive this". 

Up to this day, when push comes to shove, that's what I think: If Chester Bennington can be strong enough to survive - so can you. And up to this day, the music I listen to gives away my mood. When I'm not good, I listen to Hybrid Theory or Meteora, when I'm alright, I listen to A Thousand Suns, Minutes to Midnight, Living Things, The Hunting Party - there is one album for every mood.

Over the years, I matured. I grew up. I started to be self-reliant, to distance myself from my father, think I'm worth more than a roach and I don't deserve you saying this, think just because I am not like you doesn't make me be worthless. And Linkin Park's music grew more mature, too. When I was reaching the point in puberty that I wasn't all consumed by myself anymore, actually started to look at what happened in the world, politics and whatnot, Minutes to Midnight was released. I remember being so damn disappointed because the style of the band had changed so much. By now, I am glad it had because if it hadn't, I wouldn't listen to them anymore. Or at least not as my favorite band. But just when I got interested in society and all that's beyond my personal scope, the band got too.

Looking back, I love how they evolved and how I grew with them. When Living Things was released, at first I hated it. There it was again - the band had changed once more. After all the fans had hoped that Minutes to Midnight was just some kind of mistake, that something like Meteora would happen again, A Thousand Suns was a slap in the face. But I grew to love the music. After that whenever a new album was released, I didn't expect anything but looked forward to the journey that they took me on.

So. Yes. It's a band tattoo. And fans will recognize it immediately. But it's so closely linked to my past, to what I've been through - what I have survived -, it's a constant reminder of my strength. My will to fight. After all, if Chester Bennington did it - so can I.

xoxo
Kiwi