Dear world,
I am so much better emotionally. Can't say that about my diet, but I'm working on it and I know I will be fine. Eventually.
I can't concentrate on work - at all -, so I am gonna type a few words here instead and work from home later. - There are actually several things I want to touch today, and since one of those topics is more 18+ than others, I have decided to divide it into parts.
Here we go:
Not only have AD and I found our step again and chats are more fun than anything these days, but we actually got to ooVoo yesterday! (Like Skype) Which completely took me off guard because He usually could only come online when He was working from home (which is in the middle of the night my time), and it was 1pm, and when He texted me He said He couldn't stay long. So we chatted casually, making the best of the short amount of time we had - and then He asked 'You home?' - 'Yes. Why?' - 'Let's ooVoo ;-)'
You cannot imagine my face! It was like O_O I actually don't have any words for it, which is unusual for a Wordie. His wife was meeting a friend - which gave us some wonderful 2 1/2 hours. Of course I turned as shy as I could turn, hiding in my shirt again, unable to say a word. In the beginning, I used to hide under towels or something, and it was fun to hear Him laugh at me going back to that strategy again. Just that by now He was able to simply say 'Look at me' or 'sit upright', and I did. He also made me talk about a fantasy that I have discovered recently. It's weird to look back on my development as a sub, exploring my submission. If you would've told me six months ago that I would play in front of a camera - being the only one showing -, trusting another person enough that He wouldn't take pictures or advantage of me, telling Him my most inner thoughts, sharing my desires with Him ... if you had told me that I couldn't enjoy touching myself without His permission anymore, that I would crave Him to look at me, that I'd imagine His cum all over and in me, being left on the bed, tied up, while He got dressed and enjoyed the view ... that I'd want Him to be rough with me - I would not have believed you.
And now there's this fantasy. Which is against so much of what I believe in ... and yet it's there. And it is what it is. And AD made me tell Him, and He didn't judge me. - I am a very loyal person. I think cheating is the worst thing you can do and it's just genuinely wrong (no lectures on AD being married, please - I know, I know, and I feel guilty often enough). I would never cheat, and I would never like to be in a somewhat open relationship where it's okay to screw others. For me, if you're with someone, you are with that person - and only that person. I couldn't handle a Dom who's got another sub next to me, and I would feel horrible if He'd ask me to take another sub. Am I not good enough?
But there's this fantasy. About my Dom chosing another Dom to fuck me. To use me. While He is in the room, watching. And I don't get a say. Neither in who fucks me, nor what He does to me. It's all up to my Dom. There are several versions of that fantasy, too. One in which I enjoy it, in which the other Dom fucks me for my pleasure, too, and my Dom enjoys me enjoying the other Dom. But that's not the one I favor. The one that arouses me most is picturing my Dom telling the other one to fuck me mercilessly, rough, inflict pain on me, use me. And my Dom sits in the corner and watches, and I cry, being tied to the ceiling, fucked from behind, and I face my Dom and He sees my tears and enjoys the power He has over me. - It's not that I enjoy sex that makes me tear up and it's not that I want to be fucked by a bunch of people - it's the level of submission that arouses me. Having no say. Submitting completely. Give up the right to chose who fucks me, and how.
It's a fantasy. One that I'm not sure I want to see come to life. And I am struggling to accept it, still. Prejudices, fear, what is right and what is wrong - society's left a mark on me. But it's in my head. And it tells me that my submission may be stronger than I thought all along.
xoxo
Kiwi
(who'll work on the other post now that'll be more innocent)
Keine Kommentare:
Kommentar veröffentlichen