Up and down

Hello world,

I've decided to put my necklace back on. Not as AD's necklace - well, yes - but also, no. It's ... confusing. I just miss the feeling of it. It's always given me strength. And I am mourning, somehow. After all.
I don't see it as a collar anymore, though. Rather a silent support - because I know AD's with me, and He'd be happy and proud of how I'm doing. I still miss Him. A lot. But it's not taking over anymore, I'm not stuck in bed, unable to move, numb, crying my heart out.
So I'm wearing my subtle necklace again. I'll probably never be able to wear the heavy necklace, though - the connection with that one is too strong. That's really always been a collar - a supporting collar, but a collar nonetheless. I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish Him to come online again and collar me again.
I'm confused. I am moving on, and yet I am not.
Today was the first day that I didn't check Kik if He's been online. I'm fairly sure He'll never come back - for all I'm concerned, He's dead. Because it's the only explanation that I can live with. Every other option is killing me too much, is driving me mad, keeps up hope that some day, maybe some day He might come back. And tell me He's missed me and He's sorry and He'll never be gone again.

But I cannot wait for that day to come. I need to move on. To remember Him fondly, and remember everything He's done for me, every change He's initiated. All the support He's given me. All the times He caught me when I fell.
There's a screenshot that I've been just looking for, of a conversation AD and I had. And I cannot find it. I thought it was gone, and I just broke down in tears (so much for how positive I was, huh?).
I've found it, though. Just in time before I could get really, really bad.

May I wear the heavy necklace today? I want to feel its weight.
Why do you want to feel the weight?
I guess because it tells me that no matter what happens, if I screw up or it ends up being the worst experience in my life, I have someone to talk to, someone's support, who'll catch me when I fall.
You know how to sweet talk me :)

 I wasn't sweet talking Him, I was telling the truth.

I can't promise.
Hm ... OK. Try hard, okay?
Yes, Sir.
You know I'm proud of you. Never forget it.

I've wanted to write some about E and how he texted me today and how relieved I was. Because I've met someone a few months ago who wanted to have a friendship with benefits and I would've been in, but after he'd fucked me once he poof'ed. And I was so afraid that this'd happen again with E - but he messaged me today. Though technically he hasn't fucked me yet. But, well ... I guess it's still a good sign.
Anyway. I can't really concentrate on the good right now. How my mood can change in one blog post, huh? Starting being all good, all brave, all "I'm doing fine, thanks" - and ending with mascara smeared all over my face because He is gone. For good. And I will never hear His voice again, I will never hear Him say "good girl" or "smartass" or make inappropriate jokes and typos and all that.
Fuck.

xoxo
Kiwi